I don’t quite know how to start this? Let’s start by saying I am usually a strong, independent woman. I don’t show emotion and I can deal with what life throws at me…usually.
A couple of months ago, my grandad, my best friend and best man I’ve ever known, was diagnosed with terminal liver cancer. I have helped to look after him and my gran for years and have become closer and closer with them over the years. As far back as I remember he has always been a strong man, a man who fights for life and everything in it. But since his diagnosis he has completely given up. He won’t get dressed, washed or even stand to look or talk to my gran. This is heart breaking to watch and it has been completely and utterly dragging me down.
I went through the same thing with my other grandad a few years back but it just seems so much harder this time around. I don’t know if that is due to it dragging out longer or a stronger relationship? I don’t know…
I started to have panic attacks, so I went to my doctor who gave me medication that I didn’t want and referred me to a counsellor that I wasn’t comfortable talking to. I don’t have an issue with counselling but I’m not a person who likes to talk about myself or my feelings.
Yesterday was my first session…as soon as I sat down and my counsellor started to talk to me, I broke down and didn’t stop for the full two hours. She explained that she wasn’t there to solve my problems or give me answers but she was there to help me sort through my own feelings. She started by getting to know me and what brought me there. She told me things about my body language and how I reacted when I spoke about certain people, that my sadness was not only about my grandad, but years of anger and disappointment in my family . She told me that I was an erupting volcano, that I had been taking on too many peoples feelings and worries and not looking after myself. At the end of the session she said one thing. “What do YOU need?”. She told me to go away and think about that and only that.
I came away feeling more angry and upset than I did going in. I had more to think about and try and process. I need now feel overwhelmed and just to sit and have a cry.
I am struggling.