The last few days have been painful…
Physically, mentally and emotionally disastrous.
Seeing him deteriorate so quickly but yet so slowly in front of me is the most awful thing to watch and experience…again.
He has become so delirious that he becomes angry and lashes out at me without even realising he is doing it. He must be so frightened, but there is physically nothing I can do for him but be there and take the punches when they come.
I don’t want this to drag on much longer. He is suffering :(
Counselling is not helping me at all at the moment. With advice on ‘What do I need’, ‘What do I want’…HOW IS THAT HELPING ME!!!
I am so full of anger and ‘holding a stone’ isn’t going to help this feeling. I have tried so much. I have tried meditation, relaxing baths, screaming, punching my pillows, shouting at family (who of course don’t deserve it), taking myself away for a day but coming back to reality makes it feel ten times worse after you have managed to put your feelings and emotions to the side for a few hours.
I started smoking again. I have been living on a diet of cigarettes and coffee. I feel sick but it’s all I want. Why can’t I just switch off? Bench my emotions? Pretend I don’t care…
Because I love him.
I feel like I am boring my friends? I’ve spent so long talking about the same things and having nothing but depressing thoughts or conversation. How could they not be sick of me? I’m sick of me. This consumes every aspect of my life…
I need to get back to being myself. Who knows how long that will be? If I think this part is hard, what comes next is even harder…
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