The last few days I have been semi avoiding life?
I have been meeting up with friends for coffee, getting my nails done…generally spending money I know I shouldn’t be spending. But for a little bit of time, it helps…
When ever I get a phone call from the Hospice about his condition, or his deterioration, I freeze. It feels like my heart falls out of my arse and I don’t know what to do. So instead of trying to deal with it I go and spend money, which feels good at the time, but not for long.
I have recently been in contact with an old, how shall we name him?, person of interest? From a long time ago who I never really stopped thinking about. He is wonderful and gentle and makes me smile but yet he still terrifies me? He’s the man I could see myself settling down and starting a family with but I feel this is the wrong time to be back in contact with him. I am so upset and depressed with everything going on. What if my feelings are based on sadness? What if when this is all and over and done with I no longer this way about him? Something else to stress and fixate over I guess…
I need to sleep and just try to not think about everything for a while.
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