I didn't plan for this... in Phoenix

And I certainly never expected or imagined it. This… me. Who I am now. (this is just who i am now)

So, three weeks ago, I had another LSD experience. It was… everything. Transcendent. Absolute perfection, with one exception.

Coming down, sitting calmly, having a conversation and a smoke, and suddenly my head explodes. Not like literally, brains on the wall and shit, obviously. But inside. Boom. Nuclear explosion. I had realized before this point that LSD gives me a headache. Not unusual and it’s never been unmanageable before, take a couple of Tylenol, a couple of Ibuprofen, and I’m fine. Except I don’t think it was giving me the headache. I become incredibly tense on LSD, my whole body, all of my muscles tightening. I shiver. I think that is what caused the headache, the tension in my neck specifically. That was around 5:00am Tuesday morning, the head exploding thing. It was horrific, terrifying, I really thought I was dying. Aneurysm. Something. Got it under control, for the most part. By 2:00am Friday morning, it was once again out of control and I was really frightened and took myself to the ER. Got a shot of a painkiller and an anti-nausea shot and a CT scan, which showed nothing at all of great concern that could explain the debilitating pain.

Had an appointment with my regular doctor’s office (with the nurse practitioner) at 4:00pm on Friday. By 5:00pm, my head was exploding again and the EMTs were taking my from my doc’s office to the ER again. Same painkiller and a muscle relaxer shot with 5-day prescriptions for both.

By the following Sunday, I was on my way to the ER again around 7:00pm. That time, they gave me a shot of Dilaudid. No effect after 30 minutes, so they gave me another shot of Dilaudid. No effect on the pain but suddenly I was vomiting in a pretty serious way. The doctor was pretty much convinced that I’m just a freak of nature, I think. I mean, who has no reaction at all to Dilaudid?! They followed that up with a shot of the non-opiate painkiller they’d given me the two previous visits and the throbbing/booming/exploding, and all of the other migraine-type symptoms that go along with it, had calmed down enough that I could open my eyes and remain upright.

Saw my nurse practitioner again the next day, got muscle relaxers and some Tylenol 3s (codeine is, for whatever reason, an opiate that works and has never seemed to be dangerously addictive for me) and the ER doc had prescribed an antibiotic because one thing that did show up in the CT scan was something about something in my sinus cavity and he thought it could indicate an infection.

Armed with a bunch of drugs, a new heating pad, and an inflatable neck brace, I began serious recovery efforts two weeks ago. I have not been (able) to work since Thursday, the 9th, which was the only time I even tried to work since the initial head explosion. I got myself a wonderful upper-back/shoulder/neck massage and carefully managed my pain with the prescription - instead of 2 every 6 hours, I took 1 every 3-4 hours - and regular Tylenol and Ibuprofen. Hours upon hours with the heating pad on my neck, sitting as still as possible and holding my head in just the right position so my neck doesn’t hurt - and it’s not even my neck, really. I’m fairly certain there’s a pinched nerve in my neck that I am only now able to really feel and locate because I finally got the muscle tension and pain and the headache to go away.

I still have a long way to go. Physical therapy. More painkillers. I am only really managing the pain now and I’m woefully aware of that. The wrong movement, bending over too far, picking up something that’s just that much too heavy… I can feel the pain lurking there, just around the corner, waiting for me to fuck up.

In other news, since that last LSD experience, I am downright shocking to myself. I truly don’t recognize who I am, but oh my goodness, how I love her. Yes, I’ve been in a life-threatening amount of pain (when the pain is so bad that the only thing you can think to help it is to step onto a highway in front of a semi, well… that is definitely life-threatening pain), but mentally and emotionally, I have felt more stable than I have ever felt in my entire life. More stable even than when I was briefly on a drug cocktail that actually helped a little. I keep catching myself… well… catching myself having a negative thought and immediately countering it with a positive one. Except it doesn’t feel exactly as if I am doing it. More like it’s a program that’s running, like it’s happening automatically now and requires little to no input from me. I’m processing traumas and triggers at lightning speed. It’s almost as if… I don’t know, the hard drive got scrubbed. All the old shit just floated away, ceased to matter, ceased to be capable of affecting me anymore. (Yes, I spent an entire day triggered about a dead rapist, but only because some of those traumas are not “old shit” and are still very, very fresh.)

I have to give credit where credit is due. You know who you are. You changed my life. Not only did I never expect any of this from myself, but boy, did I never expect you. Hit me like a freight train I never saw or heard coming. I am so, so grateful for you. And you tell me I’m fantastic and really you ought to thank yourself for it. I wouldn’t be who I am right this minute if it wasn’t for you. I wouldn’t be becoming this person that I love if I never had you in my life. Seeing how you love me makes me love me, too.