A year or 24 ago in Piscis moon

A year ago, I was ready to leave town. I remember not wanting to leave the town i’ve always hated, why? Well there was Anthony. And that lasted until January 24th when i decided to cry about another boy to him and about the fact i knew he liked an idea of me and not actually me. The heart break lasted until the first week of december 2020 and then Alex came…
I should also mention the fact that today is my 24th birthday, and the fact that i hate celebrating it. I don’t have anything against birthdays, but as long as i can remember i’ve hated mine. Maybe it was:
- 1. the presure,
- 2. or the anxiety which i was born with,
- 3. the fact my sister would always find a reason to make me cry on it and then i took over for her,
- 4. the fear that no one would come to a lame party or wouldn’t have fun
- 5. my perfectionism that would bother me all night knowing the party and i weren’t good enough
The list can go on, as can the saddness i feel on my chest and the lack of ability o breath until the clock turns 12:00 am.
A year ago Anthony sang to me and uploaded on social media, that same year we broke up, talked again when he had a girlfriend and hitted on me and then i didn’t say happy birthday because we stopped talking. Thing is i didn’t think i missed him, Alex and i have much more in common and he let’s me be… unlike anthony. But was i expecting him to say happy birthday? of course.
The begining of this birthday involved Angel taking me out for dinner, then to drink and then he sang Happy birthday with a cake at a park, i have to admit maybe that was the best part of my day, it was unconfortable and i wish it wouldn’t have happened but was also sweet. I wish i liked him, but i don’t, and i owe it to myself tobe with someone i like and he does too.
A year ago i was ready to leave town and if i could go back, i wouldn’t change a thing but i would live it again, this post isn’t about that but i would like to remind myself that things can be ok, and i can be happy. I know i have been, i’ve been smiling more and laughing and getting along with my parents, i also have been sleeping until 3pm to avoid being awake.
24 years ago i was born and its dificult to believe it was a natural birth because most moments i internally want to run away and end it. Thing is after my 23rd birthday those 6 months were pure happiness and i wouldn’t say the things i’m saying now, i would lie awake at night wanting the days to not end, not believing how someone could be as happy as i was, there was no fright in my heart, no boys, just pure bliss. So again maybe it’s just the day… and life isn’t so bad after all.
At least in my time zone my birthday should end in 30 min. aproximately but i had a good one.
Bets on Anthony won’t text Happy birthday and if he doesn’t that will be the best birthday gift, to let me go. So fingers crossed.

Last updated January 04, 2021