Heartbreak in Journal 2020

I didn’t think Will, would do that.

I honestly hope I’m wrong. But if I’m not…I can’t believe it. Did he think I’d leave Isaac for him? Hell no. In my anger at thinking Isaac cheated I said I’d leave, but we all know I was lying. And i told him multiple times that I’m dedicated to Isaac.

I am. He’s a great a guy, he listens to me and actually makes me feel good about myself. He doesn’t try to make me someone I’m not or use me for sex. That’s why I couldn’t stay mad at him for longer than a few hours. He’s not a bad person. He makes mistakes, we all do. And we are all human. He’s a cutie pie and looks very adorable in his large hoodies and his long hair. Yes, I’m calling you a cutie pie.

Plus, he was apologetic. Extremely so. And it made me feel like hey you know what forgive him. I felt so guilty being mad, that I forgave him almost instantly. But my friend even said, he thought Will was trying to get me to break up with Isaac and go back to him.

If i ever broke up with Isaac, I wouldn’t go back to Will. No, I’d probably stay single for some time and rediscover myself. But why would I break with Isaac when they both didn’t tell me about what happened? No thank you.

Then I realized. Will knows cheating scares the shit out of me. It’s one of my biggest fears that someone I’m dating will find someone else super attractive and funny and leave me. So I honestly started thinking he did it on purpose.

I feel like a shitty girlfriend now for even getting mad. Yes, what happened hurt but Isaac is my baby boy and I love him a lot. I want us to be US for a long time. So what Will told me broke my heart and sent me into a crazed rage.

Like, I physically felt ill for hours as I sat after school. Staring at the school laptop as I tried not to start crying. I remember wanting to throw up and feeling so nauseated I got some water. I can’t believe him.

I’m not someone’s property. I won’t go back to you if you ask. I thought he got that…but when he found out I was staying with Isaac he immediately was like I need to let go of you (which was good) but also just ghosted me. Which made me realize holy fuck he was throwing Isaac under the bus to make it look like he somehow manipulated me.

And I’m. Like. When I realized this, earlier today i almost burst into tears. I was trembling in class. I’m actually crying now writing this. Did he know what he was doing? Why is he like this? why does he love me so strongly? Why why why.