Hey. I have something to tell you…My Nana passed away yesterday. The doctors said her kidneys were failing and had 3 to 6 months to live. Here we are only two weeks later…and she’s gone. I wish you were here to hold me. I wish you were here so I could cry. You were the only one I felt comfortable crying in front of. You have no idea how bad I want to text you right now just to ask if you’d be there for me. But you probably wouldn’t feel bad…and that’s all my fault. It was like the boy who cried wolf. I over exaggerated every little truth and even threw in some lies just so you could come see me in the end. Now that this deep sadness is true, you probably don’t have it in your heart to care. And I’m sorry if I made you that way.
Everyone asks me how I treated you…and I’m honest. They’ll ask me, “would you treat your sister or your daughter that way”? “Hell no” is my answer. They always snap back with, “Then you didn’t really love her”. But that’s not true. If you were to have asked me two years ago if I was gonna emotionally hurt and scar this beautiful human working at Walgreen’s, I would’ve told you that you were crazy. So…shit happens. And I’m sorry.
I know I loved you…truly. I remember a time when I used to hit you up randomly while you were at work or when you were out, asking where you were. I hated my overnight shift because sleeping during the day was hard. I worried about you, because I wanted my baby safe. From your point of view, it looked like I was being a nosy, controlling asshole. But I told you I would wake up with panic attacks. I wouldn’t know where I was and panic…thinking something happened to you. I just needed to hear you were okay. You didn’t believe me. I never had a panic attack in front of you, so you didn’t know.
Some morning’s, when you’d have work at 9 or 9:30, you would always stay a little late so I could see you when I got home. When you weren’t there, I would struggle to sleep. But without fail, being in your arms put me right into a deep slumber. It only took a matter of minutes to fall asleep, as long as we were holding each other. I was truly at peace.
Remember that morning I did panic?....Right in front of you. You asked me to watch a movie with you. You knew I was going to fall asleep but you just wanted me there. We closed the blinds, but the windows were open because it was such a beautiful day. The room was almost pitch black and I had my ear plugs in to drown out the sound. I had fallen asleep before the intro to the movie was finished. About an hour in, you got up to grab something in the kitchen. You barley made it out of the living room before a gust of wind blew through the window.
The blinds started to rattle slightly, letting small, but bright beams of light into the room. My ear plugs had fallen out, so the sound of the blinds hitting each other were amplified by 100 times. The light was so extremely bright that I honestly thought the world was ending. At the same time, I noticed you were gone. This all happened in less than a second.
I popped up! Leaping over the couch. Without thinking, I grabbed a hold of you and took you down to the ground and covered you. I was screaming, “It’ll be alright, it’ll be alright. I got you, I got you”! You were trying to snap me out of it, telling me that everything is okay. I remember coming to. Sweating and out of breath. You hugged me…tightly. You looked me in the eyes and asked, “Is this what happens when I’m not here”. I nodded.
Immediately, you cried. Your baby was broken. And it killed you to see me like that. I’m sorry I seemed crazy but I was going through so much. Imagine the horror I went through when you were actually gone. This story tells me that I loved you. When I thought the world was ending…without hesitation…I tried to save you. Not having you near by, made me scared. When you are afraid to lose someone, especially as scared as I was, you can’t help but feel love.
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