Thoughts in Journal 2020

I know Celtic cares about me but I know if something where to happen with me and Madi she’d always take her side. Always. This kinda came to me at random but it made sense. Madi’s more important. Lili’s more important. Her boyfriend is more important. I’m just nothing.

To everyone it’s like that. I’m nothing. I’m not important. Once Isaac finds out about me burning my mouth on accident then on purpose, my biting my mouth and scraping the inside. He’ll be disgusted.

He’ll be dissapointed and think “She can’t keep a promise, how I can I trust her. She’s just going to keep doing this until I’m drained entirely.” Or something like that. And he’ll get upset and feel bad.

I had to take a break while writing this to grab my dog stuffie and cry for a bit. I turned off the lights because I don’t want even me to see myself crying in my mirror. I’m a hot mess and nobody will ever respect me.

I just want a break. A time to slow down and think and feel good about myself. But I can never have one, I can never have a break. Everyone is counting on me and it’s too much pressure. But I took it in willingly, so I can’t give up. I can’t go and cry in front of everyone.

I can’t tell Isaac how bad I’m feeling because I don’t want him distracted. I can’t tell Celtic or Kayden or Lily because they’re all in a bad place and everyone keeps telling me to take care of them but I’m so stressed it’s so hard. I’m so stressed I’m feeling sick and crying all the time and I’m worried I’m messing up and I’ll be abandoned.

But nobody’s listening to me, everyone’s ignoring me or not helping or occupied. And it’s it’s making me feel so guilty to be wasting their time with me issues. I just feel so sick like I’m going to throw up and my head hurts. But I’m being selfish by crying when I could have it worse I just want a break.

I need to go lay down I’m upsetting myself and mom might hear me crying and think it’s from earlier and start screaming