Is their life harder than it seems?
Hello, I’ve never been here before and I just wanted to go somewhere where I can express how I’ve been feeling. Recently, I’ve been complaining about disliking school often and having some negative impacts on my self-esteem. I’ve been feeling lonelier with people and feeling like my grades aren’t good enough…plus, I guess comparing myself to one of my friends and how their doing, how their life is, and worry if there’s something wrong with me isn’t helping either. Recently I’ve also learned about their troubles and how they have problems to deal with as well. This makes me feel guilty and make me feel like I don’t deserve to be thinking like this and how their life seems harder than mine. But I can’t help it. I’ve been feeling stressed, and anxious about these things.
Feeling scared about leaving?
A few months ago, my friend made a new friends. I have also just feel like the glue in the group. Plus, I feel less… superior and less, happy in it? I’m kinda used to being a follower instead of a leader so maybe that’s why
I guess, maybe it feels something like this:
My friend is in the popular group, I guess you could put it and added new recruits. I left the group to start a new one, and found some new recruits. It’s small but I feel like the glue in the group. I don’t feel as happy with this group as I did with the other one. But with the other one I felt happy, but left out.
My wishes I don’t want/want to be reality:
When I’m with my friend, and the friends they’ve made, I feel like they’re only there for them and the other ones and I feel like I’m not exactly their. I try to interact I just, don’t feel like I bring my self to. I guess my body is just expecting everything to come to me and expect people to interact with me first. But they do it to my friend. Deep down I want it to happen but at the same I don’t. It happened once or twice but when I does, I get all nervous and a bit frightening and I don’t know how to describe it. I feel a bit uncomfortable but wish it were like this too.
New friend?
My friend made a new friend who shares the same common interest with them. They both like to draw and have a more diverse subjects to speak about? Is that how you say it? Anyways, they share a huge passion my friend which is sharing the love for musicals. That’s basically the main reason how they clicked. I’ve been feeling lonely. I also started to think that my friend and I haven’t been chatting as often out of school like before. I find we don’t have much to say anymore. I been trying to talk myself out of that and saying stuff like, “Hey! It’s okay! It’s great that they have a common connection and share a passion my friend loves so much!” and, “People can have different friends!” I have different friends and they don’t seem to get a bit jealous..? But that also makes me feel guilty about myself… with those words engraved in my mind.. it made me subconsciously feel like I had to do more research on musicals to try to unlock a new topic to chat about with both of them so I don’t feel as lonely. When I did something in my mind has been saying not too. And that I’m just being a bit clingy and desperate. And that I can’t just suddenly bring it up out of the blue and that I don’t really have a place for it.
Compressing my feelings
For my whole life, for as long as I can remember. I compressed all my negative emotions when showing them in public. For example, in school, with strangers, and with friends. The rare times I would would be with friends. Or doing so quietly. The emotions I’ve been having trouble with are anger, and sadness. Anger has been letting go lately but sadness is still the one I have suppressed the most. Even at home nowadays. The rare ones that got to see those two would be the ones in my household. And the only people who saw it most. It doesn’t really help that I am a sensitive person. Even being told off by anyone would make me want to cry and kinda, die down my excitement. Thus, making me what people would say a “goody-two-shoes” because I would probably try not to cry a lot. I am also very emotional… 😓 Ehhh…
Comparing myself
I’ve also been comparing myself with grades. This is how it all started. I just came back from a vacation. Also on top of that, it was after the second death in the family. Comparing my grades to theirs and saying that I wasn’t trying hard enough and that
I need to work harder. I tried to make Gacha Mini movies about I was starting to feel but never went through with actually saying anything about it. The reason was because people knew who I was. I would drop it from time to time but never did so with the fear of worrying someone. I’m exactly sure why. I suspect it’s because when I was child, I didn’t get as much attention from the nannies and tried not to cry. And possibly it stuck with me into my childhood thus, a possible reason why I try not to cry?
I don’t know..
Anyways, these thoughts and feelings about not being good enough have been going on for about.. almost about 1 and about 8 months? I’m not sure if it’s just me saying these things or this is just something wrong with me. I’m scared to tell someone, so I’ve turned to here and in hopes of getting some advice? But with here, no one knows who I am, so I could say this I guess all freely?
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