14:34 in My last days on earth

It feels weird typing this, like I’m 14 years old all over again. I’m hoping that this will help me process what is happening, what I’m about to do. I’m also hoping that by writing as much of my thoughts and feelings as I can it will help people to understand why I have to die and why it is better for everyone. Last night after a long time of toying with the idea I set a date. I will be dead before the year is over, I will die on 31st December 2019.
There is no way I am able to protect my children anymore and the longer life goes on the longer I can feel myself slipping.
For a moment when I woke up it was all normal, O jumping all over me, my head pounding due to the sudden light. Reality soon hit and my heart sunk until I realised it would soon be over.
We came downstairs, O laughing her head off, her chubby dimples hands over her mouth as she caught sight of the elf doing a bungee jump from the light. How many more laughs will I witness? I hope they will be happy.
The children had breakfast and got dressed, I took M, L, N and O to the shops. Total chaos, this close to Christmas trying to get the last few bits of Christmas shopping plus way too much food to see us through until Thursday. The children were complete nightmare’s, fighting, arguing, running down the aisles straight into a million other shoppers. I couldn’t breathe, completely trapped like I was for the last few years with S. Memories came at me so fast but, passed quickly with so many distractions. At least it’s Christmas, the children are going to love it.
I felt pride travelling home in the taxi, I’d done it! Christmas completely sorted, the children will have the best Christmas yet! Then it dawned on me that this will be my last Christmas. How will Christmas be for them next year? Will they get what they want? Will they have forgotten about me? Will they even be spending it together? It doesn’t matter though at least they’ll be safe.
I put the shopping away, trying to cram even more treats into overflowing cupboards, happy that they’ll be happy for the next few days.
I savoured my hug off N and will savour every last minute.