Yesterday, I had a day full of panic and guilty feelings on and off. My daughter was home sick, so maybe it was that my routine was thrown (I work from home) or .... I don't know. My friend last night said I'm making major life changing decisions, and having panicky moments is normal....
I can't sleep. I get maybe 3-4 hours and then I'm wide awake. Between traveling alone tomorrow (I hate to fly, I'm nervous just because I've never done anything like this alone - this is all very grown up of me!) and the stress of our marriage, I can't stop thinking. My brain just won't shut off. Last night I was evening trying to figure out if he'd take the XBox and Wii or leave it for the kids. Like that's important?
And he has NO IDEA. I don't understand how he thinks stuff is okay. He asked last night again about us going to Florida in July to my dad's place. He was AWFUL when we went in April last year. I was embarrassed by his behavior, although I'm not sure my dad and stepmom truly noticed how he acted. I feel like a jerk because I'm sitting here thinking I want a divorce and he's just in his stupid bubble having no idea and worrying about what bothers him.
Someone noted that I deserve a partner, not a ghost, in the house and I thought that was wonderfully put. It's truly what he is. He just puts no effort in here. I got a very nice email from him today, saying I must be excited about my trip and I deserve to get away. And I felt a little guilty. WHY?!? WHY should I feel guilty when he's a terrible husband?! A week ago I could hardly breathe because he didn't show up at counseling and didn't even apologize to my face! And continued to suck for days after. So why must I feel bad when he's wishing me well? I shouldn't. Period.
This time tomorrow, I'll be in the sun and arriving at my hotel. I hope it's as relaxing at least until the business stuff starts as I hope!
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