I think I’m going to change the style of this. I am going to brain dump my thoughts and then organize them later… maybe each entry will be a progression of the last? Or copy it all and add to it? Not sure; but trying to write one coherent thought and follow that to make a story for you, is too much right now. So, I’m going to write for me and maybe you like it or you don’t. It’s ok.
Why is everyone I know sad in some way? I am fucking miserable? For the first time I googled guns, pills and all the things… doubt I’ll do it. Seems like too much work. I don’t think I should be sad or at least from the outside everything is peachy.... good job, adorable dogs, nice house, dating a great girl. But there are so many pieces to that…
Job is terrible; pays well but I manage college kids and they are just a lot. What I really dislike is I never get anywhere with them. We are constantly restarting with new kids and my patience is GONE. I am their work mom, the enforcer. FOREVER telling them that they can’t send a fucking email to the whole department implying they were too hung over to come in yesterday.
The managers that work for me are unhappy, it’s probably my fault. But, I am so sad I can’t listen and be their mom too. Then I am on the board this rugby league and everyone wants to not do anything for the team but gets mad when decisions are made. This is America, I guess if you look at those in power… it’s really just those willing, not usually those qualified and willing and capable. But DAMN, shut your god damned pie hole if you aren’t willing to take this on yourself. You fucking get what I think is the best course forward; you’ll take it and you’ll like it… or you can fucking leave you ungrateful cunts. Maybe we won’t have money to do anything but sure as shit the folks left will like being around each other and we’ll all put in equal work.
I have a couple adorable doggos but they are so different that it makes any activities hard. One is not good with people, one not good with good with dogs. So I just avoid doing anything with them and then I feel like a bad dog mom.
AITA, I don’t know how to not be sad. I feel ostracized from this team and I only joined the team to meet people so why do I stay? Oh I’ll tell you, I’m dating a girl on the team that thinks the team is her world and her safe space. And leaving that team would be the death of her. But again, I am taking the adult spot because the team is falling apart and needs a strong hand in business… so I stepped in mostly for her, but I am TIRED. Tired of feeling responsible for everyone. She knows I am only around for her, and I’m sure that doesn’t help us be an us.
Man she is great though… sure there are things I don’t care for; like how little she wants to talk things out and I dwell on things (see this post). I need to vent, to talk, and to get confirmation that I am not crazy as fuck. She wants to just accept things as they come and go forward like things are fine. So I am not sure we can make it work long term. But I’d sure like to try. There’s a lot of layers to that. Maybe I’ll put that down on e-paper someday.
But, in general, she is very kind and quite pretty. Though she does not think she is pretty… I suppose that’s normal if you talk to most women. She is very caring of everyone and everything outside of her relationship… as I type this I realize she listens to everyone else’s problems but mine are maybe too close to home? I guess it’s easier to be an outsider and support than feel like you’re in the middle of it. I also started the relationship in great spirits and conveying confidence. So, maybe she feels tricked learning that I am actually a nut job.
She works out with me. I always wanted to be one of those fit couples. I mean, let’s be honest, we’re not svelte. But we like to be active and do stuff and not eat like crap all the time; which I appreciate.
I just think that arranged marriages take work and they can all work out if both are willing to try. Not that this is arranged, we already started off on a better foot. But maybe I shouldn’t be trying so hard? I know I’m a runner; when things are not working for me I leave or avoid and just move on. I’ve dropped friends, moved across the country, switch jobs… if it’s sucks I leave. So I haven’t left this scenario yet; why? Her. The job will take a while to change and I am not sure the grass is really greener I just know I don’t like this shit-stained grass. This team is for her, I avoid leaving this area for her… but that’s all new-ish given I only moved here 1.5 years ago.
So what if I hadn’t started dating her? Well I’d join a more competitive rugby team and probably sell my house and try to move. But that would all still take time. I keep thinking I should not be so dependent on her/us to be less sad. But my time with her is generally great. And would be more awesome if I could stop pouting. I know I’m pouting. I’d like a damn hug or someone to say they just agree. But they don’t. I know that. It’s just me. And so I’d like there to not be a me.
It’s always been me supporting me. I’m damn good at it. I had assumed I was going to live alone and maybe find some single friends to live near and make a life. But I lost those friends when I moved and I met this team and her and then I thought ‘what if we’re a thing?’ And now I want to try but I am sooo lonely. Being touched regularly is nice, like hugs and kisses. That’s new for me and incredibly reassuring. But then again, when she leaves what’s left? Nothing. Back to plan A and now I know what I’m missing. :( Which I think makes it worse.
I avoid social events because I feel unwelcome. And though I put on a good show of confidence, I am really just good at faking it. So now that I am hiding, I think she’ll get over me really fast. And I guess that’s expected. People want a partner they can lean on. So who gets to lean? People want someone that makes them happier and not more sad. I think being sad is going to make me more sad. And so I smile when I see her and keep my thoughts to myself as much as my chatty personality allows. And now I feel like there is a large range of topics we cannot discuss. But it’s really just a myth to think you’d tell your partner everything, right? That’s the partner I think I’d like. Maybe it’s just too new. Maybe I just worry too much about problems of my own making.
I have a best friend back home. I wish I was attracted to her. We get along GREAT. I’d happily spend all my time talking to her. But at some point I’d like a sexual relationship and I am just not into her that way. Maybe it would come if I gave it a chance? Meh. My current girl is so damn sexy.
There is more. I’m not sure the formats of this book. I may add to each entry, or not. We’ll see. Feel free to comment.
I’ll grammar check later....
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