Honestly, writing all this garbage in my head helped. That, coupled with a bit more gym time has made life seem manageable. So, I am going to try to keep this up every few days or so.
The latest.. Amanda, the woman I am dating, is recently out of a long term relationship. In fact, a lot of us getting closer was me being new-ish to the area and a safe space for her to share her concerns with her (now) ex, Blue. Also, frankly, Amanda is just really sexy in her own way. So, it was no hardship hanging out with her. :) Amanda initiated the breakup and Blue was very upset. Amanda was also upset but felt the breakup was necessary and in public is pretty stoic. So, most folks assume Amanda was/is happy. Blue just started dating someone in the larger community we hang out with. I am excited about this.
To me, Blue dating means that she is starting to move on and maybe Amanda and I can not be so focused on that. Amanda is a worrier and has constantly worried about Blue’s well being since the breakup. So, I get this (to me) great news and then in coversation Amanda says “well of course I am going to have jealous ex-girlfiend moments.”
Mentally stepping away, I totally get it. Amanda just got out of a very long term relationship where they were talking about marriage and those emotions don’t just disappear. That makes total sense. But, damn, it feels like shit to hear. Amanda also said “I told myself 2 days ago to stop worring about what Blue is doing all the time, I need to move on.” WELLL… we have been dating for a few months now. And 2 days ago she told herself she needs to stop thinking about her ex???? Again, completely understandable. Again, what a shitty feeling.
In the next breath Amanda is talking about trips we should take in 2020. And here I am thinking, ‘well if you’re still pining over Blue in May, we’re not going to be a thing because I can’t emotionally afford to be the peice of shit on the side that you use to avoid thoughts of your ex for that long’. I am SO TIRED of breaking up with someone else’s ex. There is no way I am comfortable making plans more than a month or 2 out with her. We have a trip planned in February. But the flights are refundable and I don’t want to book anything that isn’t refundable until much closer. I just think it’s a 50/50 shot if we’ll even be talking to each other. Fuck, that’s depressing to think.
I no longer have faith that I am more than the rebound partner. Which I am starting to come to terms with being. And all of this makes me sad to think about. But, I also would like to help Amanda move on. So, I guess if that’s all I am to her, that’s got to be ok.
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