Happy and sad tears in Life

Leading up to Christmas, I really tried to do fun christmasy things to get myself into the spirit, with mixed results.

I live just 15 minutes away from Cape May, which is a historic town. The actual TOWN is on the register of historic places (national? i think it is?). They do tons of Christmasy things and a lot of the old victorians are bed and breakfasts or inns. Two weekends before Christmas, we did a house tour. I loved it so much! One of the houses was a private home, and I just loved the way they had restored it but still kept the character. The 3 inns on the tour were all different- but my favorite was also the one that was closest to the original- one was more a boutique hotel which was pretty but just not in the same spirit. Plus my friend from work came with me and it was nice to have a visitor down at my place if even only for the evening.

Last weekend, my shore friend Meghan and I did a trolley tour and a first floor tour of the Emlen Physick estate which is one of the homes operated as a museum. The trolley tour included singing which I was not aware of, but after a bit, I really did get into the spirit and enjoyed singing along (I love to sing really but it just felt hokey at first haha). They told us some tidbits about the history of Christmas, and that was neat. Apparently, back in Victorian times, they started the Christmas tree by having that BE the gift. Where wealthier families would have their kids stay in the other room, put up a small tabletop tree and string it with berries and nuts and the kids would eat all of it, and then they’d put the candles out, and take it out. So it would be up for like a day, which seems like such a waste of the fun! I also was envisioning all the trees with their tops cut off to make these tiny tabletop trees haha. The Emlen Physick estate was very pretty all decorated and I really need to go back and do the regular tour to learn more about the family. The house is beautiful, although I personally prefer the colonial style of architecture (we have a few of those in the area too).

Christmas itself was a bit of a bummer (as usual). It’s been almost 10 years since my aunt died, but it’s still hard at holidays. I guess it always will be. Losing her is very much the “big” loss… the kind that divides your life into a before vs. an after. I can’t really speak to a grandparent loss like that, although I was fond of two of my grandparents, but just not as close as other people are. But I think of my aunt’s loss as more of a parental loss, because she was that much a part of my life.

Moose enjoyed his presents but he was very groany and miserable at night, and it was making me worry, although he seems a bit better since. Just afraid I’m going to lose him. He’s 10, so he’s pretty old, but he is really the only family I’ve made for myself since I don’t have a spouse or children, and I can’t lose him at this point, without anything else in my life :( We’ve had two cancer scares and a poisoning where he almost died of liver failure this year and it’s def made me worry about him a lot more everytime he doesn’t look quite right.

I gave my cousin a necklace with Anna and Elsa on it. I wrote a little card that said “to my sister, my adventure partner, my partner in crime, my ride or die. i will always follow you, into the unknown.” And it actually made her cry! Which then made me cry too. I told her I thought that’s why I loved the new frozen movie so much. We are both sad and angry with her sister right now, and I think our relationship with her is probably ending for good, so I know we may be both over sensitive, but she literally never cries, so it was totally unexpected.

Her sister, Kristen, did end up stopping by on Christmas day but 2 hours late, so Lauren and her family had already left. After pissing literally everyone off this year, and making no effort for any kind of relationship since last Christmas (when she had a breakdown, didn’t show up, and then blew us off the day after christmas by saying all day she was coming and pushing back times and never coming), I couldn’t believe she showed up. It was awkward- I barely know her two young kids. Her son, who is 12, who i used to babysit a lot and take him out sometimes, asked me if i remembered the place with the paper hats- a diner I used to take him to when he was soooo little. Like maybe 6 or 7. After they left, I cried about that. Imagine, a 12 year old boy reminiscing about this diner with grilled cheese that I took him to, half his life ago. I knew that meant he was thinking about the fact that he never sees me, Lauren or the kids anymore and it’s so unfair and makes me so sad. I know that kid is probably carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders, and it’s just so upsetting.

And of course, I am childless so that’s a sad tears moment as well. Did okay this holiday i think, but it’s always lurking over my shoulder.

So, I guess it’s back to winter- this is always the hardest time of year where it’s dark and cold and no summer in sight. We were supposed to visit my aunt and uncle in fl, but my grandfather essentially invited himself and he’s not at all equipped to go and also not fun to spend time with, so I’m not sure we’re going to go anymore. Which will mean the next thing I have to look forward to is April Star Wars race weekend at disney. Thank God for Disney! Otherwise, what would I look forward to???