Not Feeling Like an Entry in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

So yesterday was extremely fucking busy. Today looks to be extremely fucking busy. Tomorrow is going to be extremely fucking busy. Thursday is going to be extremely fucking busy. So… there you have that. Though, frankly it is to be expected. Start of the calendar month is always SUPER busy. And as this is the last month of Calendar 2019; it makes even more sense. So, I’m mostly here right now to take a breath in the middle of all that busy and say hi and tell you a little about what has gone on. And let’s start with:

And… holy damn did I forget how good that was!! I mean… yeah. You hear me bitch about not getting laid. Because being in a marriage without physical touch of any kind is the kind of misery existence that creates existential misery. A marriage without any kind of physical intimacy is the kind of thing to slowly warp my perception of reality and make me question myself in profound and heartbreaking ways. And that is what my entries of Prosebox have been largely filled with. But as the actual sexual act was experienced so infrequently, often with many months between sessions, the reality of sex is far too quickly forgotten and consumed by the void of forgetfulness. But… uh… I’ll tell you. It’s pretty great. Sex does not suck.

And yeah. I honestly and genuinely feel bad that I had sex with a woman whom I am seeking legal separation from. A part of me is a little upset that I would “take advantage” of Martha by having sex with her while still not changing my mind as to what needs to happen to/in our marriage. I don’t want to be the kind of guy that is so focused on “getting some” that I don’t appreciate or respect the emotions of someone else. THAT BEING SAID having sex again (for the first time since March) reminds me why we need to separate. Because… you’re telling me that we could access “sexual intimacy” whenever we decide to… I’ve been sleeping naked next to this woman for 8 years… and you have no interest in engaging in this activity more frequently than 5 to 6 times a year? Are you out of your mind?! Seriously?! How… I… are you… I mean… you can’t even bring yourself to want to experience that once a month?! Blown away. Shocked. Baffled. Speechless!! Sure, maybe I’m a closeted sex-fiend pervert but do you know the kinds of mountains I would move to experience that every week? The Herculean feats of ridiculousness that I would achieve at the legitimate chance to experience that every day?! So… uhm… yeah, lady. While I feel that ending our marriage is still appropriate; I have to say a big ol’ thank you for having sex with me again to (1) remind me of it; and (2) prevent me from possibly making a stupid mistake.

You see… if we separated and had not had sex again? Then I would be behind the eight ball. Because, and judge me if thou wilt, but the existential weight of such a prolonged rejection would have (very likely) sent me into a self-esteem loop wherein I simply said yes to any woman willing to touch me. Which, as has happened before, could go VERY BADLY. So, by at least having sexual contact with my Wife one last time before we begin the legal processes of separation; I can “fill my self-esteem cup” back up to tell myself emotionally what I already knew intellectually ::: Your wife’s rejection of you was not because YOU are a bad man or an unattractive man or an undesirable man. Because, hopefully it makes logical sense after a long marriage of sustained rejection… no matter how intelligent someone is, it can be very hard to prevent those feelings from developing!

So… there’s that.

Then there is this. So… as I may have mentioned before, I am joining a Pathfinder Game. Actually, hosting… as it would be at my place but I’m not DM-ing. It is being run by Remus, with Victoria playing. Also accompanying her are “JD” and “Julia” from the play. Their pseudonyms will change as the game begins as it would be far more acceptable to use their “Character Names” from the game as opposed to their Character Names from the play. Here’s the thing, lol.
Remus created an event for Saturday titled “Character Creation”. “JD” and I were certainly convinced that such an event meant “we’d meet and create our characters.” This is not what Remus had in mind as he simply wanted to make sure that we had character ideas by that date. Well… “JD” and I were… a little disappointed. C’mon, let’s hang out! So… we are. We’ve decided to just have people come over on Thursday night!! So… “JD”, “Julia”, Remus and Victoria will be over to my place on Thursday. It’s me, so the idea of hosting something impromptu with people who’ve never been to my house before… does cause some minor anxiety. Simply because I want to make a damned good first impression. And because I tend to “over do.” So… the plan/hope is to have a dinner including my absolute favorite dish, provide a variety of soda and alcohol options, and try to keep it “low key” while still trying to be a damned good host.

Not to mention… I do want to impress Victoria and Remus. And this will be the first time ANY OF THEM see me in person since the shave and a haircut. And… I’ll be forward about it… I would still very much like Victoria to like what she sees.