Overwhelmed. in Mental Health

A lot of things are happening. A lot of thoughts and ideas and decisions, a lot of changes, in myself and in my world. So, so many emotions.

I’m having an anxiety attack right now. An old-fashioned, heart racing, head pounding, dizzy with blurry vision panic attack.

Okay.

I can breathe through this. Anxiety does not control me. It doesn’t decide. I can slow down and take everything one tiny little step at a time if that’s what I need to do. I am not drowning. There is plenty of oxygen in the room.

Too much, too many things at once, too many feelings, too many wants and needs and wishes. My list is too long. There is too much to do. I can’t do it all alone but I have to, I have no choice. If it’s to be done, it’ll have to be done by me.

I do persevere, don’t I? I never give up, never fall down and stay down. Falling down once in awhile is okay as long as I get back up, right? Just one foot in front of the other, day after day, I’ll get there in the end, right? Wherever there is. One bookshelf at a time, one closet at a time. Eventually the whole place will be cleared, right? One corner at a time. One bill at a time, one minimum payment, and eventually I’ll get my tax return and then hours will start to pick up at work and everything will sort itself out, right?

I can breathe, there’s plenty of oxygen here.

The only one putting pressure on me to accomplish everything all at once is me. I am letting life overwhelm me, putting pressure on myself to perform, perform, perform, win, win, win, get better and stronger and healthier and happier, go, go, go. It all feels like mania, really. Mania really boosting the OCD and the ADHD, giving them the energy they need to force me down obsessive rabbit holes and push myself harder and harder to be perfect, whatever that looks like.

I can take a step back. Nothing is dire, nothing is life-threatening, there is no emergency here. I do not have to be perfect, I do not have to do all of the things right now this very minute. I can take the time I need to process the things one at a time, to whittle away at them one day at a time, or one hour at a time. I can allow myself to relax.

I guess I kind of suspected that the lack of anxiety wasn’t going to be 100% permanent. I have felt this building for several days, all of the signs were there, and I was hoping that the physical aspects of the attack would pass right on by again, but… Well, it only lasted a few minutes. I was able to get it under control in the time it took me to write this, taking short breaks to breathe and remind myself that there is nothing to panic about. Maybe not 100% anxiety free, but I have experienced nothing but improvement in my methods for dealing with anxiety attacks, so this is just more of the same.