the second point. in spring herself, when she woke at dawn, would scarcely know that we were gone.

before i get there, a few things.

• anniversary dinner was nice. spent a few hundred bucks at a fancy steakhouse that i like, we had good conversation, but she got light-headed near the end of the dinner and we skipped after-dinner drinks at merchant like we had in years past, and i postponed my trip back to kentucky until sunday morning (partly because of that, partly because…)
• i went back to working at the underground games yesterday, after being talked into it by the host himself. i didn’t think i was ready to jump back into that environment, but by telling myself not to feed into the gossip and bullshit that permeates those games, i was able to just deal straight through an eleven-hour shift at one of the more drunken/loud/wild games i’ve ever worked without my anxiety ever really getting bad. even had two of my old coworkers both tell me shit that was going on with my old games and was able to simply reply, “yeah, that sucks” and not feed into the cycle of shit. i felt pretty proud of myself, all things considered, and i made $440 in that period, so, win-win, right?
• because of the super-long shift, my sleep is back to being completely fucked, which sucks.

so, the first of these “points” that i’ve made about myself was to stop trying to worry so much about everyone else and let go of the grudges and vendettas that tended to consume my life so much. for the most part, i’ve been able to let those dissipate with one or two exceptions, but given i even dealt to some of those people that i had hard hard problems with last night without difficulty, i’d say significant progress has been made already in that department.

the second point, i think, stems from something i’ve caught myself saying in the past that i thought was me being funny or helpful, but was actually pointing out something possibly dangerous going on with my psyche.

example a; going to the bar, getting myself into a place where i could actually enjoy being out (i tend to only go to the bars during the slow period from monday-wednesday, and even then, sporadically) i would tell everyone planning on going that i was going to be “drunk XXXXX” tonight.

example b; going to play cards, but in an anti-social mood, i would essentially “turtle” myself by putting on a hoodie with a hood that covered my face, big noise-cancelling headphones, and just tell people i was being “quiet XXXXX” if people attmepted to initiate conversation with me.

the point is, both in my head and in conversation, i put myself in these classifications/modes, and it’s a little silly, but it also speaks to how i have all these different types of “ways of being” that i attempt to compartmentalize. that’s why i think the second point is, “stop trying to be these different ‘modes’ of yourself, and learn to just be ‘you’ at all times, for better or for worse.”

instead of having people worry what kind of mood/behavior/etc i’m going to be in on a daily basis, i’m going to have to learn to harness it all together into one melange of soul.

or, in layman’s terms, learn how to just be a somewhat normal fucking person. i can do it to some extent, but without anything keeping me static (and by allowing myself to be consumed by all the negativity in both the world and my own head) i keep falling into the security blanket of just excusing off shit as being “adjective XXXXX” instead of owning up to it being, well, me.

i think meditation is going to really be key with that. opening up every day with 10-20 minutes of meditation, followed by a short stint on the bike/treadmill (if i’m on the road for work) to reflect on things is a good way to sort of “center” myself for the day and also be able to identify if i’m going to have a good day or a more difficult day mentally, and be able to avoid situations that might throw me off.

two points down. now i’m going to go pack up for the trip home, try one of these damn popeye’s sandwiches i’ve heard so much about, and clean house for a few hours before dosing myself heavily with melatonin and attempting to get more sleep later tonight before i leave for home.