going to the south was nice, and kinda needed. it put a lot of things that i’ve been trying to place within myself into better focus.
while i was there, i saw my best friend for a bit, and talked about how we were both doing, which, well, was a double dose of suck, but for entirely different reasons. i went down to tennessee to one of my old games to visit and play a little (because i feel comfortable playing again and keeping my emotions in check) and promptly got kicked in the teeth for $200 in about 30 minutes.
the next day, i went to visit my family, and when i pulled in, before i could even get out of my car, my dad was yelling my name to come over to him in the backyard. within ten seconds of getting back there, i was getting yelled at for wearing sandals. he asked me to help him with his busted hot tub that he just got, and i was yelled at multiple times as he attempted to fix it. he shorted out the entire thing by doubling the amperage on it, however, and he just ended up fuming with rage and leaving, while i took a nap at the house.
that actually served as a real touchstone of the trip for me, however. it kinda made me think about how i approach difficulties in my own life. i’ve noticed when shit starts to hit the fan, most of the time i just get into an anxious ball and panic. but there are times where i just…snap. i become this cold, vindictive, raging psychopath hellbent on inflicting as much retaliatory destruction as i can on those that have scorned me or failed me.
and that’s so fucking dumb.
my current wars against the idiot from my old job that is a total misogynistic piece of shit, my former business partner, and one of the dealers at my former business have netted me nothing but a hell of a lot of mental anguish, an inability to work at some of those former jobs, and…well, i have my pride, i guess? sure, i’m in the “right” in all three scenarios from a moral standpoint, but these battles aren’t worth winning.
i don’t exactly have to go and apologize, i don’t think, for anything, but at the same time, i think it’s time to just ease up a bit and stop rallying the troops against everything and everyone when it comes to their bullshit. eventually, good prevails, so just wasting a lot of effort and energy condemning the big evil on the other side of the fence doesn’t leave much room for personal growth.
but seriously, i do wish that “director” at the former job would get busted for all of his misdeeds. i have the receipts if i ever wanna cash ‘em in, i guess.
ahem.
anyways.
i spent the night that night with my little brother and some of his friends, and we watched football, drank a copious amount of beer, and played cards all night, with my bro getting super pissed off at the end because he lost. he also did one of his familiar go-tos when he’s mad or pissed, the “well i make 33 an hour and get overtime all the time so i don’t care” then storm off. dude does make a lot of money…but he works something like 80 hours a week and has a wife and two kids at home.
i travel for work and am gone four-six days a week for it and feel like i’m an ass for doing that to my girlfriend and three cats.
shit.
the next day was more visiting poker games, this time actually winning $200 and catching up with old co-workers and buddies. it was nice. they think of me like an old friend and are always really keen on asking about what i do for a living, and unlike the people around here, tend to be fascinated/impressed by it without feeling like i’m a douche for talking about it. i never try and bring up where i’ve been or what i’ve been doing when i go out around here, other people usually initiate the convo and i have to go along with it, and then people get annoyed. like, sorry?
i drove home the following day after a stint at a casino in indiana where i decided i didn’t want to take $500 home with me. the drive back home was perilous, with me nearly killing five deer at different points, as well as two different run-ins with black ice that almost put me in a ditch. aside from that, though, i used the drive to zone completely the hell out from the whole personality building/detox/yadda yadda and just found some new music for eight hours. i went through all of cloud nothings’ catalog, and how i missed them, i have no fucking idea, but they’re amazing. also found some …and you will know us by the trail of dead i missed over the years, and between them was in a nice little glaze when i finally made it home to sleep.
i’ve got my third “point” to add to the running tally, but i’ll save that for tomorrow. i also have to make a decision about my future working in the current industry i’m in sometime in the next week or two. i’m either going to reduce down to permanent part-time (1-2 weeks/month and no WSOP in the summer) or just leave the industry entirely and switch to copywriting/editing work as i can get it. i’m just fed up with perpetually feeling like i’m either left out to sea, terrible at my job, or unappreciated by the populace that reads what i put out, and my guess is my therapist is probably going to tell me to gtfo asap. we’ll see.
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