NJM 7 in NoJoMo 2019

Prompt: Write about something you are proud to have accomplished.

Ok. I’m going to have a problem with this prompt because I really don’t have good self esteem. Usually no self esteem at all.

No matter what I do, what I’ve fought for, what I’ve accomplished, I still see myself as a complete loser. Why? Because I could have done it better, It’s not perfect enough for me, It’s something that everyone else has been able to do, yet I had to fight so hard to do it myself, and it shouldn’t have been so hard.

Shit like that.

This issue has been life long, and I don’t really know why. Well, most of my exes were mentally abusive, and the shit they said to me is still a broken record in my head, and there is this…thing, and it didn’t help me at all.

I was a pretty good student, especially in grade school and .. eh. yeah, middle school, too… for the most part… kinda.

In kindergarten they separated this kid Mike and I from the rest of the class during reading lessons because we were reading at a higher level. I’m not sure what grade Mike was reading at, but I was at a 5th grade level. lol couldn’t tie my feckin’ shoes, though, and I hated math.

I was usually on the honor roll, I was in advanced classes, etc. I was kind of smart, I guess.

Middle school is when my mental health took a serious turn for the worse. I mean, I had horrible issues all my life, but in middle school I started cutting, drinking, doing drugs. I was self medicating any way possible.

But I was still pulling A’s most of the time (except feckin’ P.E. omg I have never ever been athletic in any which way), and even though I hated math (my brain just doesn’t comprehend it. Never has. I just can’t math), they put me in algebra for some fucked up reason. I had an awesome teacher, though, so I did well thanks to him.

Anyhoo.

My family put a load on my shoulders. They would say things like I was the smartest out of the three daughters, that I would go on to college and become a vet, or a doctor. Blah blah blah.

I ended up dropping out of school. I was an addict. I did nothing with my life. I was a disappointment. A failure. No, they didn’t say those things to me. They didn’t have to. But you could see it in their eyes, y’know?

I guess that’s one of the reasons I feel like I’m not good enough at anything to be proud of.

So. Am I proud of the fact that I have my own teeny business? eh. no… not really. It came about out of necessity, and it’s not like I have anyone working for me. Pam is willing to help when I have a crazy Sunday, but she’s not like, my employee or anything.

My therapist says that I “should all over myself” in regards to work. I should be able to work faster, should be able to take on more clients, should be able to come home and do what needs to be done around here. should, should, should

::sigh::

Am I proud that I’ve been sober for a little while? Nope. After everything I did? The people I hurt? I’m not dumb. I knew what I was doing (even if it was “self medicating”), but I didn’t care about what my actions might cause. I was totally selfish and only cared about myself. And who knows, I might fall off the wagon again someday. Although I have no desire to drink, even if my pain levels are at a 16.

But my brain is pretty fucked up regardless of the meds, therapy, and all that crap, and I worry that something will come up that I can’t deal with, and I’ll just go back to drinking my life away. So, no. I’m not proud. If I stay sober for the rest of my life, however long that may be, I might be a little proud of myself.

I’m not writing this because I’m looking for validation or anything. This is just me. It’s just how I am.

And I don’t think that my self image will ever change.