i’ve caught myself continuously attempting to log into my facebook the last twenty-four hours, flicking my phone open and moving my icons to where the little f was, instead replaced by a fantasy football app (which i’ve inadvertently opened about five or six times in the process.) i feel both this wonderful sense of freedom from not seeing all of this dreck that i couldn’t help but involve myself or invest myself in from day to day, but at the same time, there’s this grandiose fear that when i return from this exodus, either my name will run into the ground by the whispers and the liars, or i’ll just be this forgotten man. worries for another day, i suppose.
the girlfriend spent the night drunk last night, while i sat up in anxiety-fueled panic in the other room about the impending doctor’s visit. dunno if i’ve previously mentioned this, but, i fucking hate doctors for a myriad of reasons. i ended up not falling asleep until around 7, and had to be up at 9 to get to the doctor’s at a reasonable time beforehand, given my weird shit about punctuality and such. i asked the girlfriend to ensure i get up on time, because when i can’t sleep, i generally sleep right through alarms. i asked her this when she was still sober. she insisted that she would wake me up no problem, so when i fell asleep, i didn’t even bother setting an alarm, because i figured she would at least be able to get me up, no problem.
she wakes me up at 10:10, with 20 minutes to spare, and the doctor’s office is about fifteen minutes away.
as i explained to her later, that’s essentially the equivalent of tossing me into a pit of needles, in terms of anxiety. she did apologize later for waiting until it was almost too late to wake me up, blaming it on the alcohol and telling me i didn’t “have” to be there until 10:45, but i was pretty pissed off now, in addition to being exponentially more anxious. plus, the first piece of info she sent me said 10:30 on it. only the second one had the 10:45 time frame on it, and i asked multiple times if it was 10:30 the day before, getting a “yes” every time. we got there at 10:40, and i was seen by the doctor the moment i finished paying my co-pay.
the doctor’s visit was…inconsquential? hard to explain. he just took me off my lone medication, gave me a referral…but didn’t actually make any appointments or anything.
“just go to the front desk and they’ll set you up,” he said.
he was wrong.
the front desk had no idea what any of the papers i brought from the doctor meant, and they had a two-person pow-wow before they gave me two phone numbers that “might be right, we’re not sure.”
i absolutely cannot do phone calls for this sort of thing. i’m scared i’m going to say something stupid, get through to the wrong people, etc etc, and her just handing me the paper with phone numbers made my heart sink.
i got lunch, got home, and girlfriend made me immediately call the first number. i was overtired, rattled, and wanted nothing to do with this, but she made enough of a deal with it that i called, went through three different people in three different departments over fifteen minutes, stuttered my way through three small conversations (in the last few years i’ve developed a severe stutter when i’m having anxiety/nervousness, how fun), and eventually got the “the person you need to speak to is in a meeting, can she call you back to do a mini-interview of your issues over the phone?”
that was it. i was defeated. i gave the person my phone number, knew i was never answering the phone today, then fell asleep minutes after the phone call ended. i slept for five hours, she called around the fourth hour. haven’t checked the voicemail yet. hopefully tomorrow will be a hopeful enough day to keep myself in check and can return that call.
tonight’s going to be boring. i’m going to the gym late, going to pitter around with a novel i tinker with for a bit, and in between screw around with the outer worlds or borderlands for a bit. tomorrow is jimmy eat world, which’ll be nice.
today was a day i wish i could go back and make myself sleep at 3 am, then i don’t have to rely on girlfriend to get up, i’m not as anxious going into the doctor, can be awake to take the second phone call, and not be another day behind in getting therapy set up. although, given i’ll be unavailable for a few days between now and my trip back from the south, it probably is inconsequential.
time to veg out for a bit.
preparing myself for jimmy eat world tomorrow by listening to a shitload of acoustic music. stuck on coldplay right now.
i think one of the bigger regrets i’ll have with my life is not pursuing, or at least attempting to pursue a career in music as a singer. i’ve been told by enough people that i have some talent at it to make me gnaw at the idea to this day.
was going to make an appearance outside the house with someone for the first time since my self-isolation, but my friend’s original plan to go play cards first got bricked due to low attendance (which, yeah, i know i’m supposed to be releasing the hate but i couldn’t help but smirk a bit after seeing it was cancelled) and he ended up just crashing. c’est la vie, more time to write.
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