there are a certain amount of facets to my personality that i need to amend over the course of the next few months if i want to come out of this feeling any better in the long run. i don’t have a concrete set of “points” that i want to fix, rather, i’d just like to organically find flaws and fix them, the amount be damned.
the first one that i think needs to be addressed, and one of the more critical ones, is the problems i have with vendettas, justice, and grudges.
as someone who generally tries to be a loyal friend/co-worker/person and a good person, i’ve always had a particularly marked hatred for people that have “wronged” me or the people around me, in one sense or another. these grudges manifest themselves in particularly toxic ways over the years, and include
- calling the police on a rival game in the south because the owner of the second game turned in one of our players to the police for marijuana possession. (this was eight years ago and in a state where weed is severely frowned upon, even up to present day)
- going batshit crazy at a party at my house i shared with my two best friends because i didn’t want anyone over at the time, including walking around with a knife for certain sections and eventually attempting to fistfight a random person just to make the party end (this was also eight years ago, whee to 2011 man)
- turning in multiple pieces of evidence that a coworker was being belligerent and a poor representative of the company i used to work for, then eventually quitting after being told, “well, that’s just XXXX”
that’s some random ass reactions to that sort of thing, but that’s just it; when i get in my head that someone “deserves justice” for doing something like that, i cannot let it go in my head. it’s one the primary reasons i had to let facebook go; i’d see someone’s name pop up and be like, “oh yeah, i should ruin that guy’s fuckin’ life like he’s ruined these four peoples,” or something similar to that with about, fuck, probably twenty different people i see on an everyday basis.
imagine that shit with me, for a minute. twenty times a day, you see someone, and you immediately internally think, “fuck that guy” and just get so angry, so consumed by this need to give this fucker comeuppance. yet, those three times above where i attempted to be a white knight/problem solved/etc? nothing good ever game of any of it.
- cops asked the rival game to shut down, they just moved to a better location and ended up eventually shutting the first game that i worked for down instead
- party never stopped, i fucked up two friendships for a long ass time and was irreparably marked as a “crazy idiot” by most of the remaining people at the party
- no one gave a fuck that i left, company ended up just using the company i work for now for work except for a clause that says, “we don’t want (me) working for us, since he doesn’t get along with XXXX” while XXXX continues to run around with no repercussions taken
it’s instilled this thought process in my mind that, fuck, the bad guy always wins, apparently. i’m in a profession where that really seems like it’s the case, sometimes. i have to write about a bunch of people that do uncouth things. i’ve written about convicted child molesters multiple times this year, which is such a queasy feeling, writing about my friend being knocked out of a tournament by someone who was convicted of fucking around with a 12 year old. it just continues that cycle of, “why is this asshat winning in this tournament while all my friends keep getting picked off and i’m not even proficient enough at this fucking game anymore to even play it?”
the last two weeks, i had those dark, stupid, fucked up thoughts come back. the ones where i do something similar to the list of three things up above. get some divine retribution on some ne’er-do-wells, make them see the ills of their ways, and make myself feel like i did right/good. given that i’m an atheist, i think this is the closest thing i have to a morality scale, really; karma.
the reality is…fuck man, i have to stop just letting these fucking idiots consume my life and allow myself to realize that, yeah. there are terrible fucking people in the world. right now, buddy, you’re one of ‘em. but lashing out and attempting to fuck up those bad people’s lives/endeavors isn’t teaching them a goddamn thing most of the time. if anything, it’s ruining a bunch of innocent lives in the process, half the time, myself included with the whole “taking a stand against immorality with my co-worker at my old job” scenario.
i’m stuck being surrounded by cheaters. rats. liars. unscrupulous, awful, selfish fucking people that have few or no redeeming qualities about them.
okay. well, fuck ‘em.
not like, fuck ‘em up.
just, fuck ‘em.
i’m going to have to teach myself (somehow) that, yeah, people are going to talk shit/hurt your friends/hurt you, and sometimes, you’re gonna have to just shrug and go, “not worth my time/energy” or, way more importantly, “this isn’t my battle to have.”
i don’t think i have to like, forgive these people or anything; they still suck, they’re still scummy, yadda yadda. but i also don’t have to exert my limited mental energy on wishing the worst on them, either. i have to learn that ignoring these morons and being a better, more positive person myself will be revenge enough, because they’ll spend their energy on disliking that, instead.
it’s a nice thought to think of walking into a poker room around me, seeing six tables full of people i know, both positive and negative alike, and just…not caring either way about any of the negative folk. just shooting the shit with my friends, not worrying about the negativity getting spewed by the idiots, and existing in a place where i can be happy.
i deactivated my facebook today. i kinda feel like actually going through with it and pulling the plug is a significant step. having that constant flood of sociality cut off is going to make it easier to tether up my thoughts and tighten everything during this isolation period. i didn’t delete it, though; in a few months time, i’ll find my way back there. now’s just not the time to pop in and see shit that’ll just upset or enrage me.
i don’t fathom that i’ll have one of these “well-spring” moments where i find a point every day. especially as the days turn to weeks, i assume i’ll slow down and instead, spend more time refining these points i’ve made into something i can use as a sort of credo/commandments type of thing that, were i a twenty-two year old emo kid, would prolly get tattooed on my thigh or some shit. but these sorts of just, long periods of venting/analysis make me feel really fucking…fluttery after. not like, good or bad just…nervous really? like i want to chuckle and cry at the same time.
i think it’s just scary digging this deep into myself. when i get really low, i usually sulk for a day or two, dig at some superficial layers of my issues, then just go back to the same bullshit i always do. right now, i feel like i’ve just ripped everything off and i’m still digging. i’m going to ask my therapist if i can actually use this blog in unison with therapy, and i’m hoping they say yes, because i feel like i’m acutely finding shit to work, much more effectively than just simply “talking out my feelings” in a high-pressure environment.
that’s not to say i don’t like talking about it. i’ve had a few conversations with people around me in recent days, mostly beneficial. people are scared about this shit. which, well fuck, if they read the first entry, i can’t blame ‘em, y’know? but, it’s a nature of this big, ugly fucking beast. i just have to keep plugging away.
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