The problem in Piscis moon

” But I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog’s money, my dog’s time—everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else”

The first time i read that i could feel the cringe cover my body into the lover i never meant to become, into the mother figure i have fought emotionally every day since i can remember, but that was me. I was the girl who would do anything for you to stay. At the end of the quote Elizabeth Gilbert mentions how she recovered with someone else but i think i don’t leave, at leaste i never have, and i smile saying this because they always leave me.
I don’t know if i told you guys santi had left, well he did and then he came back after summer, saying how he had really left not because of julissa but because he had a crush on me; how he no longer had it and had one on a girl we used to not like. I told him to fuck off, had my friends be proud of me only to forgive him and now maintain a secret friendship with him. THE IRONY
I don’t know if it’s always been like this and maybe i hadn’t noticed but we only seem to scratch the surface, never really talking about whats wrong of maybe the only thing wrong is me and not being heard is what bothers me. Overall i’m beginning to hate who i am with him. And who am i? Well, i’m jelouse, insecure, and controling. Now the problem isn’t that i haven’t comunicated to him the things he does that bother me like the fact he leaves me on seen and messages are the ONLY way to talk to each other, i think the problem is i wait for that to change him, to want to be in my life.
and here i quote ricardo arjona: “el problema no es tu ausencia, el problema es que te espero”
and fuck do i hate being that girl that just legit SIT AND WAIT for a guy to remember i exist. I told chava about the whole situation and he thinks it’s only a matter of time before he decides to leave for julissa again, i think he might be right but i don’t know why i still stay. (que pretendes no saber?) i mean of corse i know.

Last updated October 05, 2019