Depressed.
What does depressed mean? You don´t want to wake up anymore? You are hungry all the time, or don´t even want to eat? You don´t smile anymore? Hate yourself? Writing an sad letter at 01:58 at 14 years old? I thought depressed was about how you were feeling inside. I was literally told not.
You are only depressed if you meet a list. I knew I needed help. So I looked for it. But what did I need help with? I´m not cutting myself in my arms, and I smile during the day. So I´m not depressed. Is that true? Isn´t depressed about how you are feeling? I know I´m strong. The most people who you ask will tell you not, but people don´t see what I´m going true. Because I keep it to myself, like every strong person should do.
But I feel like shit. I feel like I´m not here for the right reasons. In the 2000 people expecting you to build an succesfull live and career. Thats not were I want to live for. I want to live for partying, celebrating live, make love and bestfriends, and sneak out the house without having a cellphone with a tracker with me all the time. I´m telling you, I never had one of these
experience.
I thought I had bestfriends, but at the end of the day people change, and I don´t feel like changing with them. I do have people who I care about and were I can laugh with all day, but they all don´t care that much about me like bestfriend will do. It sound kind of selfish. I mean, you don´t have to meet a list to be a bestfriend. I can tell you, I know how supid that is. But I know I´m nobody´s first place. Mabey my moms. But yea.
I also don´t party and make that much fun like I want to. I have been in love. People have been in love with me. But I´m 14 now, and nobody seens interested in me at all. Except for my vacay love what made me feel even more depressed after leaving the only good time I had in a long time behind me. But yea.
After all it doesn´t care how you´re feeling. If you don´t meet a list you can´t be sad. People only help you if you don´t want to wake up to watch love island. There are so many nights were I can cry for hours with no emotion. It feels like all my emotions are being flushed out of me. I´m just crying about everyting I lost, and everything that I can´t be. But it feels like there are no emotions left to cry about. I can just sit in my bed for ours and just staring at something, without feeling any emotions or writing sad letters at 02:43 by now. But I´m not depressed, so I can´t get help
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