Magic exists. I'm just too stubborn. in Musings

I know that I overthink everything and I am always waiting for the ground to cave beneath my feet…

I have a really, really strong feeling that Liam is completely and utterly harmless; if anything I can rest assured knowing that the only person that is going to be hurting between him and I, is him…

I was visiting a friend in the Bronx and she was going to a botanica (an occult store) and I always get the jeebie-geebies visiting these stores, especially when they are Latino owned…

It was a very small store… approximately 450sq feet… and there was the woman who was active, cleaning shelves and what-not and then there was this really beautiful older, older woman (at least in her mid-70’s) who had gorgeous silver hair, braided and resting down her left shoulder and ending in her lap…

I really tend to believe and disbelieve in all of this occult mysticism stuff… and maybe that’s why I have such a difficult life, because I snub my nose down on it..

My friend opens the door and I creep in behind her and the two woman glance at my friend and the younger one smirked at me. It did freak me out that she ignored my friend who was clearly in the market for buying something and the women spoke to me.

My Mother always told me that my biggest flaw is that my spirit is completely open and it is a target for vultures that can see beyond just looking… and I am very wary of that or at least I try to counteract that.

The younger woman kept talking to me even after my friend was clearly talking to her… and it was a very weird, awkward encounter…

I politely told this woman “my friend is looking for something, I’m just here visiting and I don’t really need anything” I remember my mother’s voice saying “don’t disrespect a healer and don’t be rude to a witch”
From my perspective I assume that she realized that she couldn’t snake herself into my energy, because as we all have come to know and as far as I know, I come from a really long, long line of witches, who have taught me my flaws and also who have invested their lives in protecting me.

The creepiest part of this encounter wasn’t so much the young woman…but the darting eyes of the older woman—who sat calmly and never took her eyes off of me…

And as I walked around and came closer to her, she whispered in Spanish “your grandmother loves you a lot, don’t you hear her?” And I felt creeped out and I felt goosebumps and this weird cooling warmth consumed my breath.

This woman told me a lot about myself and about my energy and, honestly there was no way of her knowing half of the shit that she said to me—she never asked my name, she has never seen me, because I never travel this far into the Bronx and when I was about to leave and pulled out money to give to her, she refused my gift and told me “I can’t accept your generosity, because if I do, this angel, entity that protects you ferociously will haunt me and I’m too old to fend myself from the spirit that guards your soul and she’s relentlessly insidious in the things that she is willing to do to guard you” and I felt even more freaked out and this old woman grabbed a jet stone and placed it in my hand, closed it shut and kissed my fist “you’re not too far from where you should be, even though you started from never being anywhere”

I left frazzled and I drank. I drank to not be afraid… I drank to forget about it… I drank so much that Liam trekked to the Bronx and dragged my gin soaked ass into an Uber…

It’s bad fortune to speak about the fortune that this woman described.

And as Liam carried me into our building and places me onto the bed, I just felt eerie. And he disrobed me and put on my pajamas…

One thing I do appreciate about this man is that he is Puerto Rican and he’s extremely into this occult mess that I may dabble in and look down on… but he believes these things as I described what happened…

If he were a white man, he would’ve indulged me in telling my fortune and I would’ve been cursed for fucking with my knowledge of my own future, but he’s so, so incredibly connected to a culture and history that I want to exist in, but also think I am better than…

So with this I just say… Dear Andy, shut your fucking brain and realize that Liam is exactly where you need to be, he’s exactly everything you’ve never wanted for yourself and have always wanted for yourself, but denied yourself of…

I wanted to tell him everything she said… and he refused to hear me, and he held my hand in bed and spoke to me in Spanish “I don’t know what she said to you Andy, I don’t care to know for your own sake and for my own sanity, but I know that you’re too good for me and I know I’m bewitched by you and tied to you in weird ways that make me question why, really?” And he dug his arm underneath me “what is it about you that stabs my heart, when I hear that you need help? Why do I fuck myself up to just carry you,literally and figuratively, to safety?” He held me close in his chest and kissed the top of my head “you’re fucking annoying, I know I’m every single checkbox of the guy you never wanted to be with—I’m Latino—I’m tattooed, I have a history of being a slut, I smoke too many cigarettes, I have a beard, I’m not a conventional white dude, but I see how you look at me and treat me—there’s a lot of love you give me, without you even noticing … and I am here proving that I just don’t wanna be in this world without you, and I have a fucking pang of desire, like a fucking addiction to just take care of you”

And there it goes… I fell asleep in his arms and woke up after my drunken stupidity to some late dinner in bed. That of which he fed to me.
“You’re fucking pretty as fuck” He said as he fed me a final piece of bacon and placing the plate on the nightstand.
“Thanks Papi” I said as I released myself from the comforter. He kissed me… and I felt like it was deja vu… like I had already done this before with HIM, like I had already lived this experience and I stopped him from kissing me and I felt like I was freaking out… and I told him “Babe this feels like I’ve done this before” and he laughed softly, pulled me on top of him “maybe cause you have done this before with me, maybe cause I’ve been looking for you like you’ve been looking for me and this is happening ‘cause you’re exactly where you have to be at exactly the time you should” he kissed me and I glanced at my digital radio on his side of the bed and it was 11:11.

The numbers have always followed me… like a fucking plague… but as I come into my self—I realize that maybe when I pay a taxi and it’s 11.11, or when I look at my watch and it’s 11:11…or when I’ve had the worst of times and I write and I become so exhausted and I want to give up, the word count says I’ve only written 1,111 words.. maybe it is an angel telling me something that I know.

I felt freaked out about it and felt even more freaked out when I bury that feeling and I want to just have sex with Liam and he finds a condom in the drawer and turns on the light and it said “expired on 1/11/11” out of the bunch of condoms in my night stand!
Like WHAT THE FUCK UNIVERSE!!!! Fucking tell me!!! What is going on?!?!

I mean I didn’t say anything to Liam because I felt like it started to make me feel crazy…like I was starting to lose it…

And I just buried it in the back of my head… and kissed him and he made a joke “like oh shit! 1/11/11! And it’s now 11:13! We just missed it!”

Like NO NIGGA YOU MISSED IT! But I didn’t say it and he threw the condom out on the floor and he grabbed my chin in his hand and kissed me… gently spreading my legs open.

His hazel eyes catching the moonlight.
“I don’t think we have to use those” he said as he kissed me and wrapped my legs around him.

I don’t know. Neither is this story going to be furthered. Who knows. After all i need to figure out if I am crazy or if the universe is trying to make me insane.

Andy