Life in My Thoughts

Which direction do I take? That is a heavy question that I never seem to know the answer to. I know that I am headed down a path of self-destruction but I can’t seem to change course. I can see so clearly with every bite I take and every step I fail to take what is coming but I can not seem to stop myself from going there. I realize how pathic that sounds and how weak that makes me appear but even armed with that knowledge I choose to self implode. I know there are people out there who care about me and are losing hope that I will change. What can I say, I fucking suck at life.

I am tired of even trying when it seems that every effort is met with failure. I have gotten to the point where I don’t even want to pretend that I care anymore. I am not fooling anyone including myself so why bother to put on a brave face? I want to crawl up into a little ball and cry some times. More importantly, and why I don’t is because I don’t think anyone will notice or care anymore. I have bitched and moaned about my life to the point that “who gives a shit”? Even now, writing this I sound like a little baby. Grow up and do something screams through my head while at the same time a constant track of “it won’t make any difference so why bother” plays like a background track to my life.

It is so easy to put on a false bravado and smile when people are around. When people expect you to be the upbeat one they don’t realize how much pain you are in. I want to wake up and smile and be happy that the day has started. It is not a lot to ask for, a simple thing really but I want it so bad that I can almost feel it in my bones.