I spend a lot of time reading about everyone else’s lives (on digital expressions, and now here) but I share very little of myself. It’s not that I don’t WANT to share, it’s just that I always feel I have very little going on. I do things to enjoy life, but I don’t have a family, which is all I’ve ever wanted, so it feels like there’s a gaping hole in my life. Work, beach, Disney. But mostly work. haha.
So, the last time I think I wrote was when I was in love with Topher. Had that ‘can’t believe my luck, the world makes sense, this is why i’ve been single because i was waiting for this one to come along’ kinda love. He basically couldn’t handle the anxiety of trying to juggle me and his family since he hadn’t been separated that long, and I never heard from him again after he needed some time to himself. I assume he went back to his awful wife, and is living a miserable life now. And so my streak of rejection continues. And I’m 34 now. So everyone I know is coupled up, and I still want children and there’s not much time now.
So, I am dating still, but making other plans. It seems like all the options are bad really- foster to adopt is more affordable, but I want a baby and I probably can’t get one for a while plus chances are good that you’ll have to give a baby back. Adopting costs a fortune, so I can save up for a few years I guess, but it’s an exorbitant amount and then how do I send a kid to college on my own? And the medical get pregnant things, could easily add up to the same cost if you don’t get pregnant the first time. It’s not a great position to be in. I’ll make it happen either way, but it’s just kind of unimaginable to me at this point that I’ve gotten to this point and not found someone to have a family with. There doesn’t seem to be anything inherently wrong with me. I know so many people who are lazy about parenting, who don’t do what they should, who are making decisions that make their children SOOO bad and like they’ll never be functioning members of society. And I know that I can and SHOULD be a parent with all my experiences, so it’s just frustrating to experience that.
I don’t find much joy in my work these days. I like working with students at times, but other times, it’s like working with big giant babies and it seems like we are just busy CONSTANTLY and never get a break.
I also don’t have much of a social life with friends since most of my friends have families now and are focused on that. Good for them, I guess. Bad for me. haha.
So, I mostly find joy in walking the beach with Moose. In rescuing horseshoe crabs in season (season just ended so now what??). And my Disney trips. (Which I think may be less fun now that my 10 year old nephew only cares about playing on his ipad and claims he’s sick and his mom takes him home or we all leave)
So yeah, just plugging along. Was going to upload a picture but I don’t have them on a hyperlink haha. Does this work?
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