Tetris in It's Art, You Wouldn't Understand

Long-time, no write. I just wanted to give a quick update and make a dedication to writing more. I’m going to break it up into categories to make my mind less messy.

Love & Sex

Whatever strange pull I felt weeks ago is now gone. Now when I cum I feel satisfied, spent and tired. Like I should. Before…it was this odd fire that would never go out. I would want to cum, crave it with this uncontrollable need and when the peak hit I felt like I hadn’t done anything at all. It made me crazy frustrated and I would try over and over again and get the same results. Constantly horny, panting and moving around like a bitch in heat. It was fucking embarrassing and really shameful. I wanted it, but I didn’t and nothing seemed to help. Fingers, tongues, dick, toys, anal, clamps, pain, I wanted it all but not in that way. Everything felt empty and cheap and I hated it. I tried speaking to Chu about it, he was sure that once, what it was, ran its course I’d be right as rain. He was correct in that thinking I suppose. I prayed about it, asked God to help me beat whatever demon had their hand around my neck and now I feel better. I feel in control and at peace and my intimate moments with Chu are special and loving and frantic as they always been. Sometimes I masturbate out of boredom, that’s okay though. That’s normal for me and that bottomless pit that use to be my lust is no longer there. All is right with the world.

On another note, I want to be a better wife. I stay at home all day and do whatever I want and neglect the house and my chores. He cooks, does most of the cleaning and then there is just me. If he slacks on any of these I’ll do them out of pure desperation and he’s mentioned that it would be nice if I helped out more. He’s right, even though his job isn’t demanding and mine are mostly passive, I could still split the work up better. So I suggested that we use my giant whiteboard as a chore chart. I like making plans and creating lists, it might help me keep track of those things…at least until I make enough to hire a maid to come in bi-weekly that is.

He got orders to go to VA next month for two weeks of training. A part of me is happy to see him go. A little break from each other is a good thing and though I’ll miss him I have a feeling I won’t miss him AS much if he’s gone for that time period. I’m all talk though. By Day 2 I’ll probably be howling for him to return. The sucky thing is, that its right around the time of Halloween. I might take a car up there so we can celebrate it together for a day or two. His next trip without me will be in Dec to go back to Cali for his family. This will be his first solo trip back home without me since we’ve gotten together. I’ve already gone close to 9 times for various reasons. Funerals, special events and just a simple request from my family. He usually stayed behind because of work and the cats but really the main reason was the money. It’s expensive for both of us to go and earlier this year I told my family to come see me, if not then they’ll catch me next year. I’m sick of making that trip 3-4 times a year.

A part of me knows he’s going to bail out when the time gets closer. He said he sad that I’m not going but I’m standing firm on this. He can chill with his family, see mine for a bit and then come home after a week. I’m sick of him guilt-tripping me when he hasn’t gone back alone in nearly 5 years. Once he buys the tickets, then I know its real. Until then I’m just waiting for him to call his family to cancel a week from when he’s actually supposed to show up.

Heath

My eyes hurt. I think I’ve been staring at screens for too long. I try to keep them closed, away from the light when I can but reading books and comics on my phone hasn’t been the brightest idea. I keep my light turned down super low so my eyes aren’t strained for long periods of time but I can do 23 chapters in one sitting and that’s enough for them to start feeling some pressure and sensitivity. I’ll have to be better about that. I should be relaxing them more often.

There is also an urge to start working out again. I’ve been wearing all these cute outfits to school lately and I’m as cocky as I’ve always been but I miss actually having to back it up. I miss my six-pack and my tone legs. I still have my membership card to the gym but its a 25 min drive for me and on some days the classes are just too much. I know my body will be sore for days, not looking forward to that, and I also know that I’ll have to keep up with it to make sure I can avoid those painful body massages Chu gives me to loosen up my muscles afterward. The new schedule just came out for this month so maybe I should just jump back into it. No more video games for 16 hours a day. I should work, go to school, work out and clean my damn house like a proper adult. I really want that.

Family

My side of the family is cool but I got into it with my in-laws a few days ago. They are so distant, tight-lipped and very conservative. Not like Trump conservative or anything like that, but more so in a way that they don’t talk about ANYTHING. The family has been shattered for years, my in-law’s marriage is toxic and barely hanging on by a thread and my father-in-law is obsessed about us moving back to that stupid little town so we can live next door to him or something. He wants us to have kids, he wants us close and he wants us to pretend that everything is happy and fine. My family is completely different. If there is a problem we call it out, we hash it out. Albeit a little harsh and brash at times, but always honest. My mom and sister are the main ones trying to soothe any problems and I picked up my problem-solving skills from them. So it baffles me that a family is so committed to sweeping everything under the rug. The small talk kills me. Staring at the elephant in the room every time I go over there, kills me. When I open my mouth to get answers, to get shit done I’m slapped down under the guise that I’m being “rude” or “pushing the subject”. Its a fake ass theater during family dinners and it drives me insane. We all deserve better.

School

My teacher is prey. That’s what I keep telling myself every time I go to class. He’s a classic beta male and I have to stop myself from falling into old habits. I’m nice and quiet during class, only adding to discussions when he’s throwing a rope out there for himself or when another plucky girl is leading it down that path. Its all in good fun and he seems to enjoy it. A class full of women who lightly tease and correct, dude has to be in heaven. He’s a new teacher, and I think that’s a big source of his insecurity. I’m being nice though. Forcing it almost. But whatever. I bailed on my homework I was supposed to do during the storm. I’m going to up the charm come class time to get out of any punishment or dock of points. I know a few of the girls in the class are thinking the same thing and I know the power of the herd, and my pretty face will be too much to ignore for him. I’m not worried at all. After this though, I’ll be good. Swear.

Money

Bitch, I’m broke. I thought this month would be the month I could FINALLY get things back on track but nope. A fridge broke down in one of the units and I had to get a new one. Plus, I’m docking some rent off for the inconvenience to the tenant. Just what I needed, but it’s the right thing to do. Hopefully next month I can rest easy. Until then it looks like my ass is going to do GrubHub until I build up my savings again. Ugh.

Spiritual

I’m saving for tithes again but I haven’t been to a service in like a month. Chu’s sleeping schedule has been a real pain and I’ll be happy when he’s off of nights again. He wants to pick up a swing shift but since he can’t pick what days he has off I don’t want to risk it falling on a Sunday. I’m going to try to hit up Bible Study this week. I don’t have the study book but my Bible should do just fine until I settle in. I feel hella bad but I won’t let this guilt stop me from strengthing my bond with God.

That’s it for now I suppose. I’ll have to check in a lot more from now on. Too much to say and never enough time.