Baby Blues in It's Art, You Wouldn't Understand

Chu wants kids. Dear God, help us. Its always been a back and forward issue with him. I know as a male he has never thought too long about what it takes to raise a child. His upbringing and view of children is vastly different than my own. He’s never been around kids, never interacted with them and aside from his few hours of play with his nieces, he has no idea on what goes in to raising one. He told me that he felt “obligated” to have kids. I got sick to my stomach at his mindset. He asked me why I felt so aloof about the whole thing, “You don’t care if your line dies out?” I told him I didn’t. Who cares? Really, in the grand scheme of things, who really gives a damn how many brats I popped out? He accused me of being scared and to tell the truth, he’s partly right. There are so many things that could go wrong. I could be in have a terrible pregnancy, one that leaves me sick as a dog for 9 months straight, I could suffer complications in labor, I could die…

Then when the kid gets here I have to figure out how to juggle out day to day with an infant. My stock will be lowered in almost all areas. My job choices will be limited, school will be limited, vacations, houses, travel areas, cars, outfits, just about everything. Then if were were to break up, I’d be stuck with the kid. I’d have the title of “Single Mom” and navigate the already fucked up jungle of the current dating scene. What if my kid turns out to be a little psycho? What if they are born with a disability and for the rest of my life I’ll be in charge of for the rest of my life? Drugs, teen pregnancy, rape, bullying, suicide…the list goes on and on really. Whats worse, I could lose Chu in all this. I told him when I think about giving birth, watching our child grow, attend school for the first time, learn how to drive, fall in love, move away for college or whatever…when I think about all the great things that come with growing up, I don’t feel anything. None of those pictures or would be memories spark any joy in me. I don’t feel any excitement…I don’t look forward to any of that. The whole thing seems like a giant chore, one I can’t run away from or change my mind about. Whats the point? I was lied so much too when I was growing up. Everyone told me that high school would be great, that my 20s would be amazing....I feel like motherhood is the same lie. Something everyone just keeps repeating on how great it is to trap the next generation. I just don’t want to be a mother.

I told Chu he could leave if he likes. I meant it too. I think a part of him always hoped I’d change my mind about kids....and maybe one day I will. I don’t know. He said his love for me is stronger than the desire to have kids, so I guess we can just leave it at that. Still, I wonder if he feels robbed.

I have no burning desire to be a mother, so I’m not.