Reality Check in Current Events

I just returned from my mothers. I died her hair, she gave me a bottle of her wine and we had that talk about dairy that I wanted. It went better than I expected but it did not go that well. We didn’t argue about it at least. I explained to her what cognitive dissonance was to her first so that she would understand why she would immediately defensive. She wants to see my sources, I will produce that for her later this week. Her boyfriend was in the other room and he blasted the TV so that he wouldn’t have to hear me. He put on the cooking channel and the series he was watching was about manly places to eat at that serves meat. He reacted to it like it was a football game or something. He didn’t even see me out of the house, he was not having it. She did get passive-aggressive and explain how some people don’t want unsolicited health advice. Then told me to pursue nutrition like I want and I will learn that people need to eat the way she does. Like, I’m not in a rush for her life insurance and she is the main reason that I want to have a degree under my belt when I give health advice because she needs some guidance.

Anyways, I sit here with my spaghetti and meatless balls and my glass of wine that I am going to have to force down because I am too shook to eat. I don’t want to carbo-load before bed but my evening ran late. My mother came for me about my situation. I literally feel like I am coming undone. Everything that I don’t want to think about she just threw in my face. What I want to do is down this bottle of wine, listen to sad music and be a hateful cunt to myself and to people. When I left her house I ran a few errands and I had to force myself to act like a proper person because I just wanted to be a bitch about everything and to everyone. I came home in a bad mood and I started to act aggressive about something and I could tell that I was making my sister feel disturbed. I noticed, a little too late in my life, that when a man gets upset and raises his voice or throws a little tantrum it scares women. On some level anyway, maybe. Even odder is that, generally, they want to get involved and want to find out what is wrong and want to help. I feel bad that they experience either of those things so I make a conscious effort to not behave like a brat. I want to respect their feelings and respect that they are not the custodians of my life.

So on my drive home, I tried to process as much of what I felt as I could. I wouldn’t feel upset if what she said wasn’t true. She told me to apply at Burger King or scan groceries between jobs or whatever. She told me that I will probably be homeless next and very soon. She went in and said so much more that I can’t even get into because I am just too triggered. I do have to face reality at some point. I don’t want to lose sleep over this tonight. I dunno what to think or feel really. I’m just going to pack up this food and starve. I’ll wallow in self-pity tomorrow. I haven’t done that in a while.

Or! I’ll get up fucking early like I have been wanting to. I’ve been starting every morning off already failing. I’ll get my stupid, but cute, ass to the gym and I’ll come home feeling confident and I’ll apply for jobs online! I’ll rock every damn job interview, get hired somewhere and start my life over officially! I’ll be in control my life and my choices more than ever and I’ll look back these last four months of rock bottom and be proud of myself for making it out of here with my head held high and my nose free of powder and my legs closed. K, my Country, apparently, is having a drug addiction CRISIS. I shouldn’t make jokes about it…

I’ll probably just play my game until my eyes bleed…

Last updated September 23, 2019