Bah in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019
- Sept. 23, 2019, 7:20 a.m.
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- Public
I’m not feeling well.
The diet recipe I made last night? Not much food, WAY too much salt.
I had it out with the wife. Really. Discussing how it is so damned hurtful for her to shut herself off from me at all times. How it is such a miserable experience to feel… just… so alone. Particularly since I’m on the absolute brink of divorce. It’s like… I’m at the edge and she, for some reason, can’t even see it. And I don’t get it. She does little to nothing for the relationship itself. And I don’t ask much of her. But… her inability or decision to not be an active member of this relationship… it’s deafening. And… I let her know yesterday. I let her know how sleeping next to her every night and being FORBIDDEN from so much as making out with her is unacceptable. I let her know that the fact that she sees nothing wrong in our relationship and still thinks everything is fine, despite our counseling and conversations, is absolute bullshit.
That is what I had started writing. But where I am now?
I just want to go back to sleep. I want to sleep for the next 31 years. I don’t want to deal with 4 jury trials involving little girls getting raped. I don’t want to deal with a marriage where everything is perfect BUT FOR the fact that my wife doesn’t want me. I… yeah. I guess… I could use a thousand different words but at the end of the day, the only five words that properly describe what is going on?
Perpetually Plump ⋅ September 23, 2019
I'm glad you were so honest with her, even though it hurts so much. I feel like that's the best thing you can do right now is be brutally honest about your feelings. I'm about to have to do the same thing in my relationship, and it's scary.
hippiechica15 ⋅ September 23, 2019
<3
Amaryllis ⋅ September 23, 2019 (edited September 23, 2019)
Edited
My ex husband wasn't hit by the reality of our divorce until months afterwards. He has said over and over to me that he wishes he listened and understood sooner. Defensive denial is a pooooooowerful thing.
If I could do it again, I would do a 2 year full separation; living separately, very little contact, date other people. I'd give him a chance to have that wake up call and show me he could change pre-divorce.
Always Laughing ⋅ September 23, 2019
I can't imagine dealing with what you see at work and the dealing with your marriage on top. Hugs.
AppleGirl ⋅ September 23, 2019
I’m sorry. This is tough. How can she not see/comprehend what’s happening??