Anger in Things I Write When Im Sad

I am so angry. Im not sure why, but I am furious. I will be walking down the hall and just want to smash my hand against the walls, until I can’t move it, until there’s more blood than flesh. I want it to hurt, I want it to hurt so much that it’s all i feel. So i don’t get these flashes of debilitating sadness, of complete emptiness, or utter anguish. I want physical pain, but I am too weak to do it to myself. I want someone to hurt me until I can’t feel anymore. I want to bleed, to see the red run down my skin. I want to hurt. Am I angry? I guess I can’t tell anymore. is it anger or something more. Is the root of it deeper, why do I care. Why couldn’t I just fucking do it. Now there’s people watching, why did i fucking tell people. I would have been fine, and if not I wouldn’t have to deal with it now. i didn’t do it so what’s it matter. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I want to scream I want to cry I want a fucking hug. I want to talk to R but she’s so tired. I could just text her. I’m going to text her, but not tell her why. just to distract myself, maybe she’s asleep and then she won’t answer and then i don’t know.