Elevate in Current Events

My sister has decided to stay loyal to her addict boyfriend. My other sister is upset but I accepted it pretty quick. How many other days has she been with him without it eating me alive? So I decided to not putting any energy into that. Choices.

I called Ashley to talk to her about her wedding. I didn’t want to make any promises about going. If I was to get hired somewhere I didn’t want to have to depend on them to give me a Saturday off. She really does have an answer for everything, she talked me into going. Almost talked me into helping out at her wedding. It will be perfectly ok going. I don’t want my absence to take any air out of her day. We are friends and she will naturally fight to have me there. I have to be that guy though and tell her that I need vegan options for the dinner at her reception. I was served a whole mini chicken at the last wedding I went to. I obv didn’t eat that evening. Would it be weird to bring my own food? I am so used to my own cooking now. Restaurants all make bland food. Yes, I said it. Unless it’s ethnic food, it’s usually under seasoned. It’s just salt, sugar and fat. In my little opinion anyway.

I had a dream that I started work at a Winners. I would love to work there but I wouldn’t get any job satisfaction unless I was part of a management team. I like creating ideas with people and finding new ways to do things so we can all work smarter instead of working harder. Creating a culture where everybody respects their work and enjoys being there is like, my thing. I could take that passion anywhere really. Doesn’t have to be a department store. I lowkey want to ditch this city altogether.

Toni might be getting laid off so she asked for me to wait until the Spring to move in together. I mentioned that already but it is kind of nice to know where I stand with that now. I can look for work in my area and save up. I don’t know how to tell my roommates yet. I decided to make myself more useful here. I just did so much yard work yesterday. I’m back to cooking and cleaning for everybody. It feels good to have that structure back. My next move was t get a job, move and enroll in school all at once but now it is spaced out. Which is probably perfect. I`m a girl who likes structure and that much change was overwhelming. Not that I don’t under pressure.

Speaking of pressure, I achieved what I wanted in the previous entry lol.

Speaking of entry, I need a man. Kidding! That has been a bit of a hot topic in a few entries that I’ve read. I’ve learned so much about myself these last few months. Inside and out. I love me again. I can feel that my confidence is gaining EXP by the day. I am working on that. It`s part of my mission. I want to be a person with good positive thinking and good positive behaviours after all. Choices. I accept that I am single and I am even going to be so bold as to say that I am on a different level than all of the men I’ve seen out here in the pits. I don’t feel so incomplete. *I realized how condescending that sounded! No T no shade xoxo nothing but love here. *

I`ve been pretty disconnected from everyone and everything lately. That space was just what I needed. I feel pretty good. To be honest though, for some reason my job loss will feel like a fresh wound. I remind myself how much I hated that place. Was that not what every PB entry was before April 25th? I wanted this time to heal and decompress before I nose-dived into the chaos that was finding work, finding a place to live and finding a course load at a university. Now I can’t tell if it is the procrastination that makes me feel better or if it is that I am taking those in smaller steps. I put the Tom in Tomorrow after all. Speaking of putting Tom in things, I still don’t need a man. I ain’t got time for that. Pietro Boselli however lol. He posted photos of his bare ass the other day for the first time and it had been my dream to see those glutes! New fitness goals! Anyways, I saw a cute little quote the other day. “If I have to fight for your attention… then fuck your attention.” *z-nap

I dunno, I think I’m just feeling empowered again. Life is what I make it. I’m at rock bottom but that didn’t hurt me for a second. That was a choice. I always have choices. Life is not happening to me. I am not a victim but I will have to meet everything halfway if I want to advance myself forward toward my goals.

Anyways, I should go for a walk and reflect a little bit before I go to bed. I want to write a list of everything that I would be and have and do if I had complete control of myself and was able to push through all of my fears. Those little things would be my real goals I suppose.

Last updated September 19, 2019