I lost, now what. in Second 1st

Went to therapy today. .... it’s the last time. We did a full evaluation which I passed well. All the numbers look good as far as how fast I can see things. I spent some time explaining things the best I could to Holly. Who “heard” me but because there is no way to prove that I’m feeling dizzy.... welp.

I went to Dr. Labadie’s office to see if I should be making another appointment with him because I’m still getting dizzy.... Sure… How’s Tuesday.... k… that’s after the weekend.... is there anything we can do now? as far as me going to work?

It came down to the Disability lady getting word from Holly.... who I just talked to and she says “I think you are doing far better than you think you are and you’ll be fine. You can do it.”..... cool.... except I’m still getting dizzy just doing things around the house.... there is no choice now. She said because the numbers look good there is nothing she can do. Hence the appointment with Labadie… and Watford for the migraines.... and a hearing test.... all Tuesday.

Nothing they can do though so.... In the morning .... Rocky needs an oil change so I’m taking his car in, then when I’m done there I’m driving over to HR to see them about a new clock in card and other information such as insuring I’m going to the same department and when I need to be there and such.... if we have uniforms I need to get or whatever.... Then we have a bit of running as far as his Bangs for the weekend and Fruit 2 O’s for me.... then I’ve got to cook whatever we are going to eat all weekend.....

Then Friday I go back, caution to the wind. By the way.... even though I had gone to do tests for Labadie prior to seeing him, he did not confirm Meniere’s and according to the lady I talked to today in my medical notes it says “previous doctor diagnosed with Meniere’s“.... he does not confirm it. So that’s nice.... not that it matters obviously.... because I can’t prove I get dizzy..... so… I go back to work until I injure myself or someone else.... I buck up and stop being such a wimp. I take it till it beats me to death.... because there is not another choice.

Holly said I should consider getting a desk job.... yes because I know right where to go for that? .... and of course the whole day after that I’m crying randomly.... and being numb because it’s .... difficult.... I hardly keep my house.... I want to just scream.... I don’t understand.... if I’m still getting dizzy and it’s in my head (PPPD) then shouldn’t there be some kinda meds to counter it.... or a mental evaluation.... but hey my numbers are good.... back to work.

I’m a mess.... I’m a literal mess. I’m terrified. This weekend is going to be horrible aside from seeing everyone and having to tell everyone everything about the last 9 months.... but at least I no longer have to worry about a ban on Meck.... I don’t care..... anything that will help me through a 12 hr shift is fair game.... I don’t give a fuck if it’s straight weed....I can’t prove I’m getting dizzy.... so why does it matter.... fuck all this shit....

Because I’m still getting dizzy and I’m still being released to work I feel like I lost.... big time.... in some kinda game where I have to convince people I’m unwell.

Foods made.... crock pot chicken tacos.... I’m not hungry....as I was typing this Kerri and Joseph came in.... so I guess I’ll sit with them while they eat… I”m really not hungry.... then I just want to go cry awhile honestly. I feel like I have mourned the life I had before Meniere’s … and now I have to mourn that life too as I will be thrust into a life where I am forced to do my best to ACT okay.... I’m not okay, I’m soooo not okay.... I have no idea how this is going to work.

Last updated September 20, 2019