Struggling in My Life

Wednesday he missed the counseling appointment - no verbal apology or discussion of it Just a text after I told him he missed it. Thursday he texted me just after 5, which is when he is usually home, saying he'd been talking in the parking lot and was leaving now. No apology when he got home for being late. Friday I was sick as a dog with a 24 hour flu. Awful stomach pains, nausea, fever, body aches. Miserable. At 8pm (after letting D stay up 45 mins past his bedtime, so therefore L had to too - because I wasn't out there paying attention to time, I was miserable in bed) he showed up in his gym clothes suddenly and was ready to leave for the gym. Even though L wasn't even in bed yet and she's a pain in the neck with bedtime. I was stunned. What?! About 20 mins later he came in and declared he was GOING to go to the gym but decided he'd stay home instead and go very early in the morning. He kept saying how he was planning on it but wouldn't, like he was doing me a favor. Saturday he hurt himself sledding on the pure ice in the backyard and ended up going for xrays of one of his fingers. After I reminded him his pinky still hurts 6 years later after he hurt that because he never followed up. So his middle finger is sprained and he asked that they xray the pinky (because he didn't follow dr orders 6 years ago and have it xrayed) and the pinky was indeed broken and now has bone deformity. Greeeeeeeeat.
Sunday wasn't all bad and by evening I was panicking and texting my friend asking if I was awful for wanting a divorce. He truly has no idea and seems to live in this crazy bubble where all is right with him and being such an asshole and sucky husband seems to not resonate. He was on the phone last night w/his parents mentioning we may go to FL this summer. Um. ???? So my friend said I wasn't awful and in fact it would be more awful if I stayed in something I was so miserable in. I said that the day hadn't been awful and she asked if I wanted to look back on life and think "Well, it wasn't awful." And I remembered how I felt when he didn't show up for the session last week and how little emotion and remorse he showed. And I remember that even though my children will have anger and sadness, I so want them to have a good model of a great relationship. One with affection, respect, caring... I was reading through a list of "you're not ready for divorce unless..." and one was to handle the emotions of the kids. And I balked a little and then realized, you know? I'm ready for that. Ready doesn't meant I don't get to be terribly sad for them myself. It just means I don't think things will be all wonderful and peachy. It means hard times and sad situations. But i think we'll be okay. I still can't wrap my head around the logistics of it all. I'm not looking forward to any of this.