May 29, 2019 in spilling out my soul

Sebastian might just be the most confusing person ever. Like he obviously gives me signs that he likes me, but then he also gives me signs he doesn’t. Like bitch, make up your mind. But at the same time I can’t make up my own mind. Again, do I really like him or am I just scared of being lonely? I can’t tell. I think my confidence really went up since I know for sure someone likes me. I mean I am not ugly, but I’m definitely not a model. I want to get into healthy habits such as working out and eating well and drinking more water. I feel like it would really help me build my confidence and feel more comfortable in my own skin. I also really hope the facewash works, I mean I’ll eat barberries and fish oil and stuff too to help it. I did that last summer and it seemed to work, until school came around and I didn’t have time or energy to do any of that. Either way really gonna be trying to improve myself this year, if I get into a relationship, that’s amazing, but if I don’t, that’s great too since there’s gonna be more time for myself. It’s true, I am lonely, but I have friends and family and I should really appreciate what I have. School is stressful, but it’s ok, I can get through this, there are only 3 years left. And I should really make the best of it, socialize, go to a couple of parties, travel. What am I gonna do after I am done with school? Programming? Should I stop procrastinating and start teaching myself? Maybe. Probably. I really should. Most days I feel like life isn’t real. It’s all fake, just like in a movie or videogame. I should start caring about my actions more, get out of my comfort zone and start thinking about others more. I wish I could have my skate right now, and not have people staring at me. I could just ride around the school with my new bearings. That would be amazing. I have art class today and I am kinda excited but also not at the same time. I like it but I feel like it’s just too much work. It’s ok I’ll try to make the best of it. It’s like Polyanna. That’s her name right? She can find joy in everything and anything. I aspire to be like her, I think it’s amazing. For example, I like how boring this class is because it gives me time to reflect on and write down my thoughts and feelings. I am glad I am single because that gives me time and motivation to improve myself. That’s nice. I like going to school because it gives me an opportunity to get an education an take some fun classes such as art and PE for free.
The more often I write these entries the longer they get, it’s kinda funny when you think about it. I feel like that’s because writing these makes me reflect on my life more, which makes me have more things to say. Why do I genuinely enjoy sitting in the bathroom? Like it’s so nice and peaceful and quiet and you’re on your own, no one to bother you, no one to get into your personal space. It’s nice