Acceptance. in Phoenix

This is a thing that I’m learning a lot about, both how to accept things and how to feel accepted. I’ve never had trouble accepting some things, especially if they were things that made me feel awful about myself. I’ve never felt accepted just as I am, for being myself. I’ve just accepted others’ opinions of me as valid and true, but only if it was terrible.

I’m working real hard on changing that, and on learning how to accept myself.

The Unicorn is helping immensely with this. With all the things, really. He’s the absolute healthiest thing to ever happen to me. He is good for me in uncountable ways. I think one of the things that he makes me feel is accepted. It’s a new emotion for me so I’m not positive, but I’m pretty sure that’s what this particular feeling is. He makes me feel a million things, but I think this one is acceptance. Like, he just loves me and doesn’t try to tell me to be something different or to change things about myself. He just looks at me and speaks to me with such love and acceptance and kindness… it’s pretty mind-blowing (and a wee bit mind-boggling).

I’ve never felt special or unique before. I’ve never felt beautiful or desirable or sexy. And really, it was those things, those feelings, that I’ve always desired more than anything. I’ve only ever wanted someone to actually see me, recognize me, and love and accept me exactly as I am. I can remember countless occasions actually wishing for these things, most often in my head but sometimes out loud. “I just want to feel special, like I matter, like I have an impact on you,” or “I just wish someone would look at me in a way that makes me feel truly beautiful and wanted.” But it wasn’t just like anyone could fulfill those desires for me. Dudes look at me all the time like they want to eat me alive and I feel nothing beyond maybe a momentary thrill. I always wanted to be wanted for more than just my appearance, my body. I wanted to be wanted for body and mind combined, the complete me.

I had this idea of what that would feel like, to have a deep, mutual love, and mutual passion and desire. I would think, “I just want to feel like this.”

And now… I do.

Only it’s more, so very much more, than I ever imagined or wished for. It is a thing unlike all other things. A thing outside all other things. It’s like… the sun. We know the sun exists. It’s right there. This is like that. It’s undeniable. Obvious. An almost tangible thing, like a trinket I could carry in my pocket. It’s just a thing that is.

And it’s astounding.