Obligatory "Not Dead" Entry in Life

I’m back! Or at least for now. The cycle has come full circle, starting with a fresh face and a new start and then falling back into the routine of “priorities” and distractions, I imagine a lot of the DE’rs (Durs?) have started writing less or stopped writing all together and that’s fine, that’s life and that’s statistics really.

But I haven’t been away because of distractions or lack of inspiration or anything like that, I’ve actually felt a crushing obligation to write lately (mostly to myself) but beyond that (god I hate this keyboard, it’s too tiny, where’s my Ergo…?

Ah there we go, much better, or it will be once I get used to the key spacing and stop hitting the Windows key every time I aim for a comma.

Regardless! Back to the point!

I’ve been wanting to write, I’ve had a lot to say but I haven’t been wanting to say it due to the fact that it was crushinglyu negative.

Which is fine, a lot of people are fine with that and I’m fine with reading that but personally I don’t want this “new start” to be a record of my discontent. Yes it’s a self imposed therapy lesson to come here and write but I want my writing to have substance (oh hello cat, perfect timing to jump on my lap) I want my writing to have a point so that when I, or Elly, or whoever else reads it, comes away from it thinking about it.

I saw a fluffy quote the other day where it said “People aren’t listening to absorb, they’re listening to reply” or something along those lines and as a quote-a-phile? as myself it really struck a cord. I don’t want to write to expell, I want to write to… I want to write to… seed and grow. (I’m looking at trees right now, it’s the best I got)

So onto life and what’s going on inside my head, lately I’ve been lost. Very very lost. I’m back to work soon, I’ve spent the majority of the past several months of Paternity Leave doing sweet FA and video games and while it was nice and relaxing, I really haven’t grown any as a person. Certainly as a father I’ve grown and learned and developed but as a Person I feel like I’ve just become a sloth. Which is something I’m desperately trying to change because to be honest…

I don’t know what’s next.

And that kinda terrifies me. I’ve spent the better part of the past several years going from mistake to mistake and living in near perpetual chaos and now that I have time to look around and now that I have someone who will eventually be looking up to me, it’s become a question of where do I go from here?

Becoming a father was a major life goal of mine, right up there with getting married and owning a house. Now, owning a house, was a shit show and it did fill me with a sense of Pride and Accomplishment(TM) but as we all know, that came crashing down around me and left me wondering if it was really all it’s been talked up to be. Fatherhood and Marriage on the other hand, have been great. Exactly what I expected.

But.

Now what?

After achieving a lot of personal goals of “Life” I’m left kinda empty and wondering if now I’m just waiting for the end? Dramatic, yes, but that’s just where my head has been at lately.

As someone who didn’t achieve any post secondary, I recognize my limits are very much within reach of what my career could be, and while we can all blow smoke up eachother’s collective asses about how “The only one who can limit yourself is you” there comes the fact that we live in a capitalist state and without money, my limits are less about me and more about what I can afford.

Yes, I’d love to go back into cooking but what’s the goal there? A Chef who works 17 hour days for 6 months and has a heart attack on the line for 50k a year? I just don’t know if that grind is worth it.

So I guess what I’m really left confused about is the future of my career and earning potential now that we have a daughter. My wife will be very successful in her career, I don’t doubt that at all but there’s a lot of time-gated stuff there (Oh you must be a Junior for 2 years before becoming an Intermediate and then 2 years + as that before becoming a Senior, despite that she’s already doing a Senior level of work.. y’know how it goes)

I guess what it really boils down to is that I don’t feel a lot of fulfillment in my life lately when it comes to career or work or hobbies and I’m not sure how to change that.

I’m in a rut. What have you done to escape your ruts?