On Beyond Zebra in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

Honestly, title was selected for reasons beyond my comprehension. Though I often do that, and I like it. I sit down… look at the blank page… select a title based on whatever is going through my head, then I write. Granted… I don’t do that for everything. If I’m writing fiction or an essay of importance I write it then I try to summarize in title or grab the most compelling portion. But with entries? I often just… throw a title up and start writing.

As my mind is rather in a low place at the moment, I wish to write a POSITIVE first.
Do you remember the struggles I’ve had professionally? The dangerous lack of support when I was working in the Jail’s Law Library? The lonely isolation of Tiny Town’s Prosecutor’s Office? The downright abusive treatment at Private Firm? I’ve written before how my current job is, in many ways, a delightful breath of amazingly fresh air. Today was another such example especially after recent events.

Things to remember:
I have multiple doctor appointments that I need to take time from work for (ENT, GP, Eye Doctor).
I have a vacation pending that will take me away from the office for 10 days.
I have used sick time to miss at least 3 days of work.
I was away from the office due to illness or training for 6 days already this month.

ALL OF THAT would have been a twenty minute to hour long lecture for each item in the Private Firm. As some of you may remember, my “use of doctor visits” alone was grounds for them to threaten my paycheck on more than one occasion.

At my current office? My boss just walked into my office this morning and said he wanted to let me know what he would be discussing today at the Department Head Meeting with the County Supervisors. He allowed me to review the submitted request. A request for a raise for the Assistant County Attorney due to Work Ethic, Work Performance, and Desire for Retention. Obviously, there’s no guarantee I’ll get that raise. However, it is very likely. What’s more? If I receive the full benefit of the proposed raise? I’d only be 10k away from my “Household Desired Income”. Because as a kid… there was a specific amount of money I thought a household needed for maximum benefits… enough money to save and use but NOT so much money that it resulted in negative returns. And we are presently, with the raise proposal, only 10 grand away from that. But obviously, it is more than money! On a lark, I pulled up the County Attorney Association Job’s Board. This is a website that I reviewed obsessively for two years after law school… and then after about 6 months in Tiny Town… for two years again. And I realized looking at it this morning… I haven’t looked at this website in over 12 months. For the first time since becoming an attorney, I went a year without looking at Job Postings. That just… felt good when I realized that. Honestly… excellent realization.

Then I had meetings with defense lawyers all morning. When they’re wrong, it is frustrating because they fight hard for clients and it is hard for them (typically, their client) to see reason. I don’t blame the attorney… you have to represent your client. It just takes a lot to sit there and go, “This is totally wrong and factually implausible.” On the other hand, when WE’RE wrong… that is really frustrating because we should do our jobs better. For example, if I’ve charged someone with an assault that resulted in massive injury… when I review the police report and the report LACKS any mention of injury… that’s bad. That’s bad on everyone. What was the charge injury-related if the facts weren’t going to discuss an injury? Do your jobs. Document everything! I understand that cops hate paperwork; but a lot of that paperwork has a reason… like securing the appropriate charges!! Gah. So… that’s another thing to add to my list of “go try and do or procure”.

Looking into my future? Next week… at least as far as planned doesn’t look too bad (but for Wednesday!)
Monday? No hearings scheduled.
Tuesday? One hearing, revoking a person’s probation because he was recently arrested with his pockets just… FULL… of methamphetamine.
Wednesday? THAT’S the rough part of the week. Magistrate’s last day before retirement. So “let’s clean up the docket!” 15 Hearings! So… rough.
But then nothing for the rest of the week.
Then nothing on July 1.

This is deceptively good news! It makes it look like there is a good chance of an easy week and a day before vacation. This would not be true. As I must spend that week (obviously) preparing work items FOR my absence on vacation. Thus… the “mostly quiet week but for Wednesday” will also need to contemplate dealing with 9 hearings that I won’t actually be able to attend.... so hopefully I can get those resolved prior to leaving for vacation!

(scampers off to make detailed spreadsheets to organize a concentrated plan to tackle everything in the shortest amount of time possible)

Okay. That… was surprisingly bloody easy! I don’t know what people get freaked out about?? I mean… yeah, there is anxiety that something will go unimaginably bonkers while I’m on vacation and I’ll return to a mess the likes of which I could not believe; but as of right now? I’m good. Heck, THIS is why scheduling was such a big deal to me (WIFE). As the first week of July coincides with a replacement magistrate, a shift change in the judge’s schedules, and a federal holiday… that week is almost completely empty. The second week? Breaking in the new judges slowly. I could not have selected a more appropriate time for Judicial Schedules. And we would have completely missed this window had Wife not actually begun looking into classes as asked and simply stood firm on her “I’ll be in school” without actually checking on it!

One thing that is bothering me right now, though? Totally unconnected to the Vacation really.... but not really, when you think about it.

I’ve been absolute CRAP about reading Prosebox entries. Just… shite. Either I’m too busy with work or I’m home and trying to do things or the rare moments that Home/Work aren’t actively taking my time… I find myself struck by a melancholy that makes me think reading Prosebox would be cruel to you (notes could be… depressing) or pointless to me (as I would simply be scanning words with my eyes and not actually reading the words). I would not be surprised if my difficulty with reading PB Entries extended into my vacation (though hopefully, for better and more fun reasons). So… truly… blanket apology to all on being a crap reader and crap noter. And… as far as humorous or stimulating or intellectually interesting… a crap writer of late as well. My plan for the next few hours?

(1) Review what is presently on my computer
(2) Revise my discussion notes so that I may have a proper discussion with Wife tonight
(3) Begin to catch up with whatever PB Entries I can! lol

Oh… I didn’t say how last night went, yet. It was… I suppose to be expected. It seems we are a parabolic couple… bad, good, bad, good, bad, good, bad, good.

GOOD: When I got home from work last night, Nala and Wife were packed up and ready to go!
BAD: Wife’s driving was SUPER worrying last night! I actually asked her if she was just “in a rush to get to DM” but she said no. I can’t pinpoint what the exact issue was… either she was listening to her podcast too closely or the pain she was mentioning in her back was too much but… she was NOT focused on driving. AT ALL. Like… slamming on the brakes instead of slowing down gradually… trying to merge on top of other cars. I do admit, she doesn’t drive NEARLY as much as I do anymore and she may feel rusty at it… plus all of her driving of late (at all) has been Rural Iowa and Des Moines Area Driving is a bit more… City. But still… worrying.
WORSE: During one particular lane change (she was irked that a car was going slower than she wanted, she tried to change lanes and the car in the left lane sped up, so she just shoved the car into the lane); she did not notice the extraordinarily LARGE piece of debris in the road that everyone was reacting to. Kind of a good summary for her. She sees people reacting to something and reacts to the reactions… as opposed to trying to understand what people are reacting TO and reacting to THAT. Person in front was slowing because DEBRIS; person was going faster to PASS THE DEBRIS; Wife feeling annoyed with both of them HITS THE DEBRIS. Absolutely tore up the car’s plastic splash shielding terribly. It isn’t a catastrophic bit of damage but it certainly needs to be dealt with either through replacement or removal.
GOOD: At least the debris strike was relatively close to where we needed to get off the interstate anyway.
BAD: Cousin’s husband parked their Shiny Fancy Car in such a way as to make it impossible for either my brother or I to park in our parents’ driveway.
WORSE: 10 voices, all speaking at once, all speaking loudly in an attempt to be heard over the other voices speaking loudly in an attempt to be heard over the other voices speaking loudly. I grew up in that cacophony and grew to hate it. It gets to be so that it is just noise and people openly not paying attention, just talking. It makes me anxious to be around. And really re-triggers my sensitivity to being ignored. Like… it’s damned near impossible to be heard, if I’ve got your attention but you’re ignoring me or not listening to me… GAH!
GOOD: My brother came outside with me to help duct tape the splash guard so we could drive back home without dragging something.
BETTER: My brother invited us to drive the car to his whenever we could so he could put the car up and remove the damaged piece for us!
GOOD: Cousin asked if we had made a decision about Hawaii 4th of July and talked it up to Wife a lot.
BETTER: My brother and SIL (who vacation often) told Wife that the most important word on vacation is YES. If you have an opportunity for fun or adventure or experience, take it! That’s part of what makes vacation so fun!!
BAD: It didn’t really sink in with Wife. She hadn’t made up her mind at all yet, so I simply did it for her. Again… better to say yes and for her to decide “I don’t want to”… and then going without her… then allowing her to continue to struggle with such a small, simple decision and miss out entirely.
BAD: My SIL is not doing well in her job. Do you remember when Wife had her mother’s day absolute meltdown and SIL was trying to comfort her? That is basically what was going on with SIL and Cousin. I was kind of glad Wife didn’t see it. Because Wife is bloody obsessed with comparison mentality in some ways… which leads to a lot of her misery. On Mother’s Day, her meltdown was that SIL has “everything together” and “even though (she) is younger (than Wife), she has a great child, a good marriage, and a career!” SIL encouraged her that childbearing isn’t required to be a complete person, a good marriage takes work, and that (SIL) does NOT have it together… especially with career. Well… SIL and Cousin? Cousin is a year younger than me. So Wife feeling awful because she was being propped up by someone a year younger than her? Wonder what she would have thought about SIL being propped up by someone a year younger than me. But yeah. SIL is in a terrible work situation… due to stres, anxiety, and all the crap going on at her job? She keeps losing weight. Now I know everyone would say “Why not me?” but… it isn’t a good thing. Being emotionally destroyed isn’t a great diet plan. Though… at about my height, she does only weigh 114 pounds now. So she’s underweight.
GOOD Despite the loudness getting to me; Dinner was a lot of fun and it was wonderful to sit at the table FULL again as (with children growing up and moving and grandparents dying) it has been a long time since the table was full. :)
Bad: Cousin’s husband wore his baseball hat through all of dinner. I know it is a petty, shitty, minor issue… but it was drilled into me over and over and over again that you REMOVE YOUR LID AT THE DINNER TABLE!!! SO that bugged me. Like… at your own house, whatever but especially when you are a guest? Show a little bloody decorum!
Worse: As my brother’s family was leaving, my mom threw the front door open and held it open to let Brother, SIL, Niece, Brother’s dog out… so OF COURSE Nala bolted out the door! She didn’t run away from the yard really… but she did dart into the street a few times as I tried to grab Nala.
WORSE STILL: I see Nala bolt out the door (I was already outside at the time) and instead of reacting or moving she shouts at me “Where is Nala’s leash?” Granted, a valid question but… I’M A LITTLE BUSY TO ANSWER THAT RIGHT NOW! Like… instead of asking me a question, trying to get my attention, or pulling my focus? MOVE! DO SOMETHING! Help me grab the dog, or grab the bag of treats, or grab ANY leash (there are two by the door), or do ACTIVE THING.

EVEN WORSE STILL: As Wife and I left my parents, I ask a question intending to connect with my wife? Have a ten second conversation? Something?! Wife is a bit of an artist. So I tell her that I would love to see her artistic interpretation of the main characters in her current podcast Stellar Firma. She tells me what she thinks that might be and I enjoy her descriptions. Obviously, not surprisingly, she had no questions for me… not what I thought of what she said, or if I had any ideas, nothing. Shrug. I volunteer my answer anyway and state, “I rather think the main character would be like a darkly realistic depressing version of that mad scientist that fights Perry the Platypus on Fineas and Ferb.” She sits there staring out the windshield, no response, no reaction from the eyes, nothing. I said, “I can never remember that guy’s name but do you know who I’m talking about?” Nothing. Continued staring out the windshield, not responding to me at all.

So… yeah. As I have repeatedly asked Wife to NOT ignore me and as I have repeatedly asked Wife to ask me to repeat myself if she hears me talk but doesn’t understand what I’m saying… and after being in a situation where I was a bit extra-triggered by loud noises and all of that and had told her as much, just to let her know.... she was… icing me out. Just staring out the windshield. Not responding at all. I expressed my deep frustration and that I was upset that Wife would just ignore me after the many many conversations we’ve had about that. Then Wife expressed her anger at me for talking to her. Because she wanted to listen to her podcast. Ah, so I ask you a question about YOUR interests trying to get you to discuss YOUR artistic ability and that’s fine. I wish to tell you what I was thinking along those lines… am entirely ignored… and then we have an argument because I was talking to my Wife but she didn’t want to, apparently, talk to me. And I told her as much. I told her (essentially) heaven forbid we have a damn conversation with one another!

Of course, when we got home… we settled in. Our comfortable disfunctional… and watched two episodes of Archer before I went to bed. Not surprisingly, Nala was super bitey. It could have been because that has become her night time ritual… “I’m tired so I’m bitey”.... it could have been because Nala was picking up on the anger and tension between Wife and I… it could have been because Nala had to be in the car for 3 hours that day… it could have been because Nala had been super stimulated by seeing a newborn baby and a 5 year old and another dog… it could have been because, once again, Wife did not take the dog for a walk at all that day.

And I’ll admit… the walk thing is getting to me in such a large way that I think it could almost be said to be a transparent metaphor for something bigger. Like… Nala is misbehaving because she isn’t getting enough exercise. You’re here with the dog all day. You don’t have a job or children; so it can’t be that impossible to find between 20 minutes and 1 hour to walk the dog everyday. You bitch about the misbehavior and you discuss how frustrated it makes you; but you don’t do anything to change it. And that is the drone siren song in the background of her life that has become the GIANT RED BUTTON for me. (1) Something Bad; (2) Complaining and Aggravation; (3) Refusal To Act to Change It. And that, I think, is why I have finally come around to where I am in that… something needs to be done or I need to walk. Because from the point of view I just shared… isn’t that exactly what I have been doing? (1) Problems in the Marriage; (2) Complaining and Aggravation; (3) Attempt to Change the Marriage; (4) Restarts the Cycle… so if I am to a point where there is no Number 3 Step anymore… I need to ACT TO CHANGE IT. Get Wife to a point where she’s willing or able to see that she needs to do something.... or change one of the things about this situation that I actually do have power over.

Though… after reading a few articles about Tinder… holy fuck.

First of all:

Women using dating apps? I am so sorry. Seriously the ridiculous, stupid, offensive, prehistoric, lame, and bullshit things guys on Dating Apps say to you is… I can’t… wow. None of you deserve to be disrespected, insulted… just… no. SORRY FOR MEN WHO SUCK.

Second of all:

Women using dating apps? What does it take to actually get your attention? Because… that’s what it seems is a massive disconnect. “Hey, your profile looked awesome. How are you?” doesn’t seem to do anything. Now, obviously, escalating from there to “Hey, do you like sucking dick?” is a bit extreme. But what is the “magic” that women using these apps are looking for? It isn’t a soliloquy… that comes off as weird. It isn’t a polite introduction; cuz I’ve seen that get torn up as well. Rhetorical Ex: “Hi, my name is Chris! I like writing and video games and comic books. You seem really interesting from your profile and was hoping to get to know more about you via chat or in person.” So… seriously… what is it that women are actually looking for when deciding who/if to respond on dating apps?

Third of all:
Women using dating apps? I am so sorry. Seriously. Can’t be said enough. The idea that you are looking for… whatever… a partner, a date, even a hookup… you should not be subjected to unsolicited dick pics. EVER. Like… I don’t care if you honestly think you’ve got the Sun Wukong of dicks… if you’re “Introduction” is forcing someone to look at your dick; you’ve failed as a man and as a person.

Fourth of all:
Women using dating apps? What are you actually looking for when browsing profiles? Like… sure, some people would say, “That guy is cute” and some people would say, “That guy is such a good conversationalist” or whatever… but so much of what I understand about dating (not much, tbh) is the information that can be understood IN PERSON. Like… taking a few selfies as your “look”? 1- That means you need to know how to be photogenic; 2- That means you need to know how to take a good selfie; 3- Some people photoshop that shit which I think should be against the rules; and 4- The photo a guy took in February of 2018 might be the same dude but look TOTALLY DIFFERENT to that guy in November 2018. So… the “liked his profiles because of his pic” doesn’t make much sense to me. But then… what about a specific profile draws you to someone?? Wit? Brevity? Detail? Description? Like… these online dating apps feel like Mass Blasted Resumes in an attempt to hopefully, maybe, if you’re lucky, potentially, sort of luck into someone liking your profile that you could like back and then the extra step of bringing that from App World to Real World and hoping that you in person you still hopefully, maybe, if you’re lucky, potentially, sort of like that person and they still like you back.

The whole thing is just… confusing and strange in some ways.