She is me. in Phoenix

There have always been things I was interested in, things I wanted to try, see, do. I’ve also always restrained myself in so many ways for so many reasons, the biggest two being low self-esteem and a lack of confidence. Because of all of the bizarro reservations I’ve always had in certain situations, there are many, many things I was never able to discover, try, see, do.

I’m pretty sure that all of the rotten garbage in my life was completely necessary. My reservations, my insecurities that prevented me from cutting myself loose from the mental and emotional bonds that held me, those things had to be.

Having you in my life is teaching me a lot about who I am, who I was, and who I want to be. I feel more myself now than I’ve ever felt in my life. The way you love me makes me love myself. It actually makes me grateful for all the things I’ve been through because maybe they made me just who I needed to be for us to be so perfect together. Is that weird?

You help me believe that I deserve my own forgiveness. You help me see things in the world, and in myself, that I would otherwise blind myself to. You open my eyes and my mind and you seem to have the key to every door just when I need to open it. You make me feel not alone.

I feel like I have this vault full of questions and answers and adventures and mysteries and love and exploration and fun and laughter. This vault has been locked up so very tight, I could only ever make deposits, never withdrawals. But now, oh now, well. You had that key, didn’t you? And you opened that vault door wide and now I get to wade through it all and you’re the only person in the world that I want to share it with, all that I discover there. You held the key to the vault, so it’s only fitting that you be the one to help me withdraw all that I’ve saved up all these years.

I feel like I’ve just been saving up for you, waiting for you, so I could finally become.

So I could become free and whole. So I could become me, finally. I’ve been saving it all up for the perfect person to finally and truly become myself with, someone I can trust, that I know can feel what I’m feeling and returns those feelings to me. You are so good and healthy for me. I can’t wipe the smile off my face. The knowledge of you makes me smile. Random little thoughts and memories come into my mind throughout the day and I can’t contain myself. More than one person has told me that I’m glowing when I get that smile on my face.

Now, when I look at myself in the mirror or the selfie cam on my phone, I see someone different. I see a woman so in love, and so loved in return, so full of peace and light and happiness and freedom. I see a woman who was a girl who was broken who isn’t broken anymore. A woman healed or, at the very least, healing. I am able to see myself, just a tiny little bit, like it seems you see me. I look and look and try to see what it is and, you know, I catch glimpses of myself there in the mirror or the screen, glimpses as you see me, and the love I feel for that woman in those moments is overwhelming.

The thing I love most about her? That she is someone who is loved by you.

And she is me.

Last updated June 16, 2019