In a way that makes sense. in Phoenix

He says that a lot. “We’ll figure things out in a way that makes sense.”

And, you know, we will. Everything about us makes sense, so why wouldn’t we be able to figure things out in a way that also makes sense?

(he’s just called me and literally said, “in a way that makes sense,” in some other context)

I’m a stranger in a strange land right now because nothing has ever made sense in my life, it seems. Well, not made sense like this thing with this man makes sense. Nothing has ever been so right or felt so normal and natural. I have this overwhelming sense of belonging that I’ve never experienced before. This is exactly where I’m supposed to be with exactly the person I’m supposed to be with. Every new thing I learn about this man both surprises me and yet doesn’t surprise me. Listening to him speak is like listening to my own heart speak. Knowing him is like knowing myself. It all just makes so much sense.

Even what would seem to be an obstacle makes sense. We are both exactly where we need to be. Nothing else would make sense for either of us and, if we don’t make sense individually, we wouldn’t be able to make sense together. All sense would fly out the window. Maybe, someday, one or both of us will be able to make sense of ourselves in a different place. But, until then, everything just as it is makes perfect sense for us individually and together.

A part of me struggles every day with the idea that this makes sense and yet doesn’t make any sense at all because it’s so very different from anything I’ve ever known. Intellectually, it makes sense. Emotionally, well. Emotionally, I feel like… this strange sense of peace at how it all makes sense trying to hold strong against the desire for more, more, more, the frantic need I feel for him. Need feels frightening. Need goes against everything I’ve learned about myself recently. Need feels like the first emotion on a dangerous path of…

All of my adult relationships have been grossly codependent.

Does your sense of purpose involve making extreme sacrifices to satisfy your partner’s needs?

Yes, always.

Is it difficult to say no when your partner makes demands on your time and energy?

Yes, always.

Do you cover your partner’s problems with drugs, alcohol, or the law?

Yes, always.

Do you constantly worry about others’ opinions of you?

Oh. My. God. Yes.

Do you feel trapped in your relationship?

In every single one, ever.

Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?

Yes, always.

I answered those questions as I would have as recently as January of this year. If I were to answer them now, well.

Does your sense of purpose involve making extreme sacrifices to satisfy your partner’s needs?

In no way, shape, or form.

Is it difficult to say no when your partner makes demands on your time and energy?

My partner doesn’t make demands on my time and energy, ever.

Do you cover your partner’s problems with drugs, alcohol, or the law?

I would have no need to cover for my partner.

Do you constantly worry about others’ opinions of you?

I don’t worry at all about others’ opinions of me. I know who I am.

Do you feel trapped in your relationship?

I feel free as a bird.

Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?

What arguments?

I know this is not that path. I don’t know how I know it, but I do. It couldn’t possibly be. But the feeling of need does cause me a bit of anxiety. And some other feelings, some random thoughts, things I try not to think or look too closely at, and isn’t that dangerous? Isn’t that what got me in my shitty life predicaments to begin with? Refusing to look at my own thoughts and emotions closely enough? Am I letting myself get carried away in the magic and turning a blind eye to the bigger picture of my own mental well-being, and of his?

When I look at some things, really look at them, I have to force myself to slow my roll a little. Less than 2 months have passed since the day this whole thing began. Just over 7 weeks since I saw him for the first time in nearly 23 years.

It makes me feel ridiculous for some of the thoughts that pop into my head, some of the things I feel, like who do I think I am, looking to the future? It makes me feel presumptuous and selfish and greedy.

Now that I’ve found him again, I can’t imagine another day in my life without him. I will graciously receive anything and everything he offers me and it will always feel like so much more than I deserve, so much more than I could wish for. But I don’t think I will ever stop longing for more.

Such a power struggle in my mind. But I am feeling pretty confident that that we will figure this thing out in a way that makes sense for both of us.