So today is the first day that I am finally leveled out from my five day binder. I have been trying to run away from the emotions in my heart, but I know I need to face them.
I am a hopeless romantic to the core. Sure there are aspects of my personality that are rough. The heavy drug use, my criminal past fueled by being a drug dealer, and many other things that I would prefer not to mention, not out of the fear of ridicule, but simply because I have finally paid my debts and faced those demons and do not want have them in my mind again. Under all of those “hard” qualities, however, is someone who is as soft as can be. I am a mama’s boy always and forever. I make it a point to hold the door open for any woman walking up to one. When I am having a conversation with someone, especially with a girl I have feelings towards, but also in general, I actually listen. I do not just hear what they are saying. Hell, when me and this girl got to our hotel, I was most interested in learning about her past than fucking. I truly try and care about everyone who I come into contact with. I have found this can be my best and also worst quality.
If you have read my previous few posts, you know I am very attached to this girl I meet a few days ago. I care so much about her. Again, I had only known her for like what three days, and when she was in her dope dealers house picking up for us, I was so worried for her. Not the “oh shit i hope the cops do not get called and i get involved” kind of worried. I wanted to make sure she was safe and that nothing in this world could hurt her, since she shared all of the abuse she has had to endure. Its on the level of me telling her, if she is willing and actually wanting to get off the heroin, that I will find her ibogaine and will rent a nice hotel room for her so she can go through the process of getting clean. All totaled, this will cost me about five-hundred plus dollars. (side not, for those who do not know about ibogaine, it is a psychedelic that lasts about two days total. At the end of the experience, you have no withdraws and no cravings since it resets your dopamine receptors. It has a success rate of I believe over eighty percent if I am not mistaken for heavy, long term users, like her.) Do not get me wrong, I make good money doing what I do. I do not care about the money. Money is not a problem anymore for me.
My problem is in my heart. I want to care about this girl. I want to be her protector. I want to love her and be with her and treat her like the amazing woman she is. I want to bring her beautiful smile back to her life. I want her to be happy again. But I do not know if that is possible.
I do not think I can have her full love. I do not think she is able to fully devote herself to one person. That was beating around the bush, and i know it. Bottom line: I do not think I could trust her to not cheat and sleep around. That hurt admitting that but it is the truth. I fucking hate it. There are so many amazing things about her, but there are some very dark things as well.
I am done being hurt. To be real honest, I do not think I can take a serious heart break again.
To be honest, I have no idea what any of this means or what the point is of me writing this. I just want to love again man. Fuck life sucks when you do not have someone you love and more importantly loves you. It has been so long since I have felt true, or at least i thought it was, true love that maybe I do not know what it is anymore. Maybe I am lying to myself so i believe I found it again. Maybe this is love. Who knows. Fuck, at least when we were high I had a clear mind about my feelings, which as I just re read the title of this noticed to irony.
So I guess that is it for now. We are hanging out more this weekend, not sure when or what we are doing. So I am sure after our next time together I will have more to digress and get off my mind.
Later all!
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