RIP Mom in Ruminating

So many thoughts today…

The John Singleton story hit me harder than I anticipated (RIP). Seeing that he was on life support for a little over a week, reminded me of my experience losing my mom two years ago today.

While reading the story, I felt the same disarray of emotions that I felt when I first saw my mom on life support 2 years ago. A few days after her birthday, my mom had just returned home from rehabbing her knee. I celebrated with her on the phone that afternoon, and rushed home to be by her side that evening. She had suffered a cardiac arrest.

This was It was living your worst fear, coupled with hope and helplessness. I couldn’t gather my feelings enough to cry any tears then. I just wanted to make sure that I didn’t leave her alone.

For an entire week I stayed at the hospital, doctors went back and forth with us, unsure if she would recover. My mom fought her best fight. She survived without the use of life support for three days.

I took this photo from the hospice floor of the hospital a few hours before my family made me go home to rest, my mom passed while I was away.

Unfortunately, I’ve spent the last 10 days fighting a fruitless battle. My feelings are amuck, and I am feel like I’m out of capacity to grieve. I planned to have enough grit left to give myself a “normal” day today, but I won’t force it.

It took months of therapy to get here. I’m comfortable with the feelings of grief, and I will be fine. If you want to help, go hug your mom for me.