New digs...same life problems in My Life

12 years at Opendiary and they shut down. I probably spent 8 of those years actively writing and then remaining 4 occasionally logging on, occasionally making an entry. Still, to know my entries from when my kids were little, from the moment I met my husband and fell in love. To watching our marriage crumble. I downloaded it but it's not the same. Many people came here.....so here I am. Because again I feel like writing helps. I hope this community is as welcoming. I hope I'm not judged and harsh words aren't said. Life is hard. Last fall my husband, G, and I ended up in counseling. In August I was essentially ready for divorce. We were barely speaking. He did nothing to help me out around the house. I truly felt that if he never came home again (I know that sounds awful and harsh) that our lives would just continue on without disruption. He had a major health scare involving his heart that caused him to treat ME horribly and handle the situation very badly.
I know everyone handles things like that differently, but the lashing out and the weeks of "bad" behavior to me felt like true colors coming through. Another very large issue has been the fact that a year and a half ago he joined the gym for the first time since being w/me (he was 29 when we met; in his late teens early 20s he lived at the gym....definition of a gym rat). He changed. The gym became the priority and everything else fell by the wayside. When he had a stent put in to fix the congenital issue w/his heart, what he told everyone was how long he couldn't go to the gym. Not he could die. Not he was worried because what if something happened, and me and the kids..? The gym. The gym. The gym. So counseling. It was extremely hard at first. And then it got a bit better. We were no longer walking on eggshells, we were talking more. He picked up some chores around the house. And he agreed he should go to counseling alone because "our" issues always revolved around him. He admitted he was the problem. So we slowed down our joint sessions while he went. We aren't rich; this stuff is expensive. Then she mentioned medication, and he saw his PCP and got on an anti-anxiety. Came home and told me the test the nurse gave him he scored a 9 on. A 10 would be PTSD. <sigh> The counselor seemed to think medication would change his/our life. So I waited. and waited. In January he went back to his doctor and they doubled the dosage. I continue to wait. It's been maybe 5 wks and I see no change. In fact, I feel as though we are falling back to where we were before counseling. Our assignment (we have 3 wks before appts this time) was to choose 3 things we've learned from the books we've read and implement them into our relationship. I can't even figure out what 3 things, and I have 6 days. I'm annoyed by him. I'm annoyed that I hurt my knee a month ago and he brought the clothes basket I left at the top of the stairs down to the basement - and didn't put them in the washing machine. So despite me not being able to do stairs, I hobbled down to do that. I'm annoyed that today after 2" of more snow, he drove over it and left for work. So, after reinjurying my knee this week on the walkway he didn't clear after 3 storms and falling, I went out again and shoveled. For everything he does, it's like there's no common sense for what he should do. And then there's this. The other day he randomly says his brother could get him a job in NC. ???? We live in MA. I do not ever want to move, frankly. My family is here, 40+ mins away but still here and just retired, and starting to be more involved w/the kids. It's been 10 years in our town and I have met some fantastic friends. Marriage aside this is the happiest I've been; I'm doing things, getting invited places. I love it. He basically gets snipping - and he's yelling this to me from the kitchen - when I said "No, I have great friends here, I don't want to leave." He said "I know what YOU have here." Guys, 10 years here. He has NO friends. Because he makes NO effort. Even a few weeks ago we got invited to my friend's house - 4 couples, people he knew, kids, and he stayed home. I was so embarrassed. i had to make excuses why he didn't come.
And so, my nights are spent wondering if this is enough. I should mention it's been 4 years since we've had sex. Yep. Very ashamed of that, but if I can't say it in my journal, where can I? And it's not me. I told him years ago any time, any where. And nothing happened. I'm not good about initiating but I'm the wife that's willing - seriously willing - anytime. And I got nothing. I'm just baffled, and I'm sad, and I wonder if having a roommate or sorta helps out is enough for me for forever.