Initial mental vomit in Mental Rambling

Here I am, sitting in my car, thinking of ending it all. I think about it quite regularly. I don’t think I could ever actually do it, but not out of fear, It bothers me thinking of how my family would be impacted. So, I keep it in and day dream about ways to do it. It hurts like hell. Tears roll down my face and my head begins to hurt. I don’t know what to do. I have an amazing family and I love them more than anything. My wife wants nothing more than to help and be there to listen and help me through the pain but I have am extremely difficult time talking to my loved ones about this. For some reason it’s easier to talk to strangers. I imagine it’s because I don’t want to worry my family or hurt or scare them. The thoughts are there almost daily and I have the means to do it. I’m painfully numb. Does that even make sense?