Future in The Things I Write When My Mind Won't Sleep

When I look into the future I see a lot of great things
I see the house I always wanted, the modern Victorian the one in the historic side of Dubuque with the stone basement and pool in the back
The tall handsome loving husband who supports me and our family no matter what
The 3-8 gorgeous children of many races and backgrounds. One daughter with long curly chocolate hair and the brightest blue eyes, a son with golden waves and forest green portals to his soul and a beautiful daughter we are fostering who we love just as much as the others… and if I continued we could be here all day
I see the job I have a beautiful school with troves of high schoolers learning to love music because of me… or the countless patients who actually love going to the doctor because they know that I care as much as they do
I see the pets I will have
I see the vacations I will take
I see the perfect college in my mind
I see my future home decor for gods sake!!!
But for the life of me, no matter how much I try or how hard I look
No matter what future I imagine, no matter what friends I can see and the birthday parties my children will have the one thing I can never see in the future
The one part of my life I can not see by the pool or on our family trip to Disney world 
The one part of my future that I can never just quite see is the most important part
The only thing I can not imagine as a teacher a doctor a wife a mother or a homeowner the one thing I can not see in the future is me