Funk... in 2019

I’m just in this incredible funk currently. I know what the problem is, but doing something about it is easier said than done.

Basically, I haven’t kept up with my house as well as I should, so then it gets to the overwhelming point, and then I don’t know where to even start, so my body’s response is to just shut down and do nothing, which in turn makes things worse, therefore feeling more overwhelmed.

Last night my plan was to clean. I thought I’d make myself a drink and start, but my brain was busy distracting me with other anxiety. So essentially I got drunk, cleaned nothing, let some of my crazy be unleashed on James, and went to bed. Then I woke up at like 2am and guzzled water. Then I woke up at 4am and threw up. Then I said fuck it I’m staying in bed and didn’t go to work. I forced myself to get up to take everyone out around 10, then did nothing. I finally made myself get up at 2 and shower. I hate to admit it, but I hadn’t showered or brushed my hair since Tuesday morning. Then I laid there for a while longer, playing on my phone and apologizing to James for being drunk last night. I finally made myself start doing stuff like an hour ago. I have to make a dent so that I won’t feel terrible about James coming over here tomorrow. I really just hate feeling like this.

Overwhelmed and anxious and insecure are not good feelings.

I may have asked James if he was still hung up on his ex bc she seems to be his only friend and in my experience guys only stick around and listen to you whine about other guys if they want to bang you. And yes, my drunk blunt ass worded it just like that. He surprisingly handled that well.

Just ugh… I’m so sick of rain.

Last updated July 10, 2020