bad day in just testing

Well yesterday before the storm came Will was like 99% sure he'd call out of work.

But when he called they asked him to come in and he said yes.

And that just ruined me.

I had been thinking since yesterday that we were gonna be snowed in and it was just gonna be fun. It's probably unhealthy how much I love him and crave to be with him more than anyone or anything.

One thing I haven't really discussed here on PB though I have on OD is my parents divorce when I was young and my daddy issues that probably makes me cling to Will more than a normal woman clings to her husband.

I also have abandonment issues and rarely 'like' to be alone, though I am a lot. I'm sure my over eating is a filler for the loneliness I felt as a child having to be alone a lot because my mom was a single working mother. I came home to an empty house and had dinner around 7 or 8 when my mom got home. So about 5 hours of just TV and cookies that I would buy with $ my mom would give me to take the bus to school.

Cookies and other snacks were my comfort when I was alone for hours with my annoying little sister.

I don't have a "daddy" to love and care for. I do have a step father but he came into my life when I was 15. By then I wasn't looking for a 'daddy' and I hated my step father for a long time and thought of him as an intruder to the cozy 3 some of me, my sister, and my mother that I was used to since I was at least 8 yrs old.

Anyway - so I had it in my head that me and him were gonna spend the day together and when he said yes to going into work I was so fucking deflated. Near tears.

I was alos mad. I was telling him - he's not a plow guy, he's not a policeman or doctor. He doesn't NEED to go into work. And I think it's wrong of his job to even ask him to risk his neck to move trailers around a parking lot.

And he flipped out talking about that a day off of work is $200 out of his paycheck and we FINALLY got health care which is $130 a week out of his paycheck as well so it's not a good time for him to skip work.

And I was telling him, we may not be rich but we do have SOME savings and he shouldn't feel he has to break his neck over $130 dollars. Plus the fact that he makes more at this new job than he did at his OTR trucking job and if we were doing fine with that salary then we shouldn't be worried about 1 unpaid day.

Then he was like, I can't afford to take off, esp with you not making the money you use to at [the pharma company I worked for].

Well excuse me for getting laid off!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So then we had to go down and shovel out the cars and we were fighting the entire time - even over 'how' I was shoveling or 'how' I parked and I felt like he was just talking to me like he hated me and so we were shoveling and I was tearing and sniveling.

This also falls into the 'daddy approval' that I never got from my 'daddy' since he left and I totally see myself looking for approval from Will and when he criticizes me and picks on me I....

Will's my equal. When he picks on me I should be like 'shut the fuck up, you're not my daddy, you don't own me and you're not perfect either' but instead I crumble inside like a young child being scolded by a father that she thinks the world of because you want acceptance and approval from him. You want to do things right. You want to make him proud.

And Will doesn't get this - he doesn't know. He even asks me to 'fight back' but instead I shut down. I get silent. I don't always cry but I don't fight back. I don't get into screaming matches.

Also, part of me thinks that's childish and classless. I'm not going to have a screaming match in my parking lot in front of neighbors. I'm to private and proud to let strangers into something like that.

So we shoveled everything and I did kiss him good bye but then I went up to the apartment and just cried over the ruined day.

I know all these fucked up things about myself and my daddy issues but I'm too old to change my thinking now. So thought I know what's wrong with me I don't know if I'll ever change.

And then I always go back to thinking about how I could never have a kid with him. If he flips out cause of $130's - how is he gonna take how expensive it is to have a baby?

And I DON'T want to deal with these kinds of fights with a child cause I fear I'll leave him. I don't want a child raised around that.

I came from a broke & unhappy marriage. I don't want to do that to someone else.

Anyway - this day has just been a bad day.