ride in again in 2019

January 8, 2019
12:27pm

Eight days in and I still haven’t written a word about New Years. This is what I always do! I procrastinate on all the things I want to write about. Instead I come in here, complain, and pour my sadness out. I mean, I guess that’s good too. Gotta get it out somewhere. But I should document that my life isn’t all doom and gloom.

Actually, I am doing much better. The new year always feels like such a renewing time for me. It’s probably from years of giving in to the stereotypes and cliché, but still it works. I’m just trying to focus on the positive aspects of life a little more. I’ve been doing this gratitude daily journal type thing for the last several years but I’ve really faltered on it. There are huge chunks of days missing either because I wasn’t near a computer or because I couldn’t take the time to find something to be positive and happy about.

January 9th - 2:21pm

Well, I guess I didn’t get very far in my writing yesterday. A client came in and first he sat around talking to us and then he came back later for help with some stuff. It was the kind of stuff we don’t normally do but he’s the same guy that brings us treats from the coffeeshop like every other week so we’re willing to help. =) By the time he was getting ready to go JR finally came by with paperwork and I dealt with that disaster for a while.

Near the end of our conversation he was trying to figure something out on his own, since technically I’m fired and only wrapping up last year’s stuff, and he gave up and gave the papers back to me. I straight up gave him my whole spiel on how he was paying me for my brain/knowledge not just to crunch numbers for him. I asked if that’s all he thought we did. Like just sit around and punch stuff into the computer? When he didn’t respond I continued on about how many classes I have to take, how hard I work to learn all this stuff, the fact that I don’t just sit around all day twiddling my thumbs, etc. I like to think I made my point pretty clear. I didn’t mean to go off like that but it was the perfect opportunity and I didn’t do it in an angry way. I just really don’t think he’s ever realized how hard I work(ed) to keep him on track and up-to-date. You can’t pick someone up off the streets and expect them to know how to do what I do. He made it seem so easy to replace me!

Apparently later, while I was on the phone, he told my mom that he was doing all kinds of paperwork and that it’s hard to find someone like me. She basically told him that that was his fault for firing me and he gave that same lame excuse about how our schedules don’t match. Which is weird considering we’ve been doing this for at least 4 years now with very little problem. Also he’s at least a month behind on invoicing and when he said that I made sure to point out that he’d never been that far behind before! I poked at him a lot but I want him to know that I freaken worked hard for him and received very little out of the deal. Mom told me to stop saying things and I said I would eventually. But then it clicked in my head and I told him that I would stop after I received my final bill payment from him. He literally hadn’t paid me in at least a year and that was from previous bills. My fault for letting him get away with it but I was helping him out because we were supposed to be like family. You shouldn’t mix business and pleasure though huh?

Oh well. We’ll see how long he goes without any help. The story he told me about some girl that’s been asking to work with him for like the last 2 years must not have been true, or she already screwed up. hah. I tried to tell him. shrug

While JR was still here hanging around killing time with us the phone rang. Out of the blue as per usual! I turn around to look at the caller ID and see that old but familiar name “…engineering” splashed across the screen. I smiled to myself thinking, “well well look who the cat dragged in” as I picked up the phone to hear that country accent coming from CK.
It’s been what? Almost 2 years since I’ve heard a word from him? It must have been in 2017 [yup, checked entries to confirm!] because that was the year every one resurfaced in my world.

Must be something about odd numbered years? =\

It was funny because he tried to play it off at first. I thought maybe he didn’t recognize me because he started asking questions like a new client. By the 2nd question, when he asked if we handled stuff from out of state, I stopped and said, “Is this CK??” He started laughing and said that he was trying to see how long he could play that out for. Come on dude! I would recognize that half country/half California accent anywhere!

I was just thinking about him the other day too! It must have been the end of last week. I don’t know if it was because I came across his old file in the drawer or what but he’d crossed my mind. Maybe also it was because I’ve been thinking a lot about the client and how maybe I should give in and settle for that guy. He’d be sweet to me and he’d probably do anything I asked. And during those thoughts I also thought about how CK would probably be the only guy I ever settled for. I knew he wasn’t right for me while we were hanging out but always in the back of my mind I would think about how he’d be a great guy to settle for if I ever gave up and decided to do that.

They remind me a lot of each other too - the client and CK - I guess it’s that whole kinda sheltered white boy thing they’ve got going on. Neither of them being very book smart or street smart. haha. Ck did seem slightly more street smart though. Probably from being on his own for a long time. If I ever had to choose I’d definitely take the redheaded cowboy. Our connection was stronger. He made me laugh and listened to me. I was never bored with him.
Shoot, just yesterday on the phone we talked for nearly 20 minutes! Went over work talk first, then the weather [haha he’s in Alaska I had to ask!], then went on to talk living and life stuff until he said he had to get back to work and I told him I needed to do the same. It was nice. Not nearly as crazy as conversations with the Sheriff where we’re basically jumping on top of each other to say things. I think he’s the only person I’ve ever had that much to say to though.

Now, do I think he’s back in my life for more than just those few minutes? No, certainly not. He doesn’t like to have attachments. There are no fantasies there. He even said that I was the only person he’s talked to from out here, besides my old neighbours, in a long time or maybe since he left. That from the guy that had a bunch of different people he hung out with and has family out here. He’s always been like that though. Disappearing for months [or years] at a time. I mean, I guess it’s nice we can pick up right where we left off. Things were always pretty easy with that crazy country kid.

It’s also nice that I didn’t think about TF for a single second while I was on the phone or immediately thereafter. And to think I resisted reaching out to Ck that one October years ago because I wanted to give Tf a fair chance. =| Everything works out the way it’s supposed to though. I’d love to keep in touch with CK on a more consistent basis, but I doubt that’ll ever happen. Actually during our conversation he started to say something about how he didn’t have a lot of friends and not any that were smart…and I for sure thought he was going to ask me for my phone number or to keep in contact with me in some way. hahaha! Let me introduce you to my boundless optimism right there! I’m such a sucker!

So, anyway, these were all things I was going to write about yesterday and then because I must have been too relaxed and steady the Universe decided to mess with me for a quick giggle -
I’ve been messaging back and forth a bit with A [tf’s sister] lately. Nothing too crazy. She’s super sweet and I’ve always liked her. Before I knew she was his sister!

sidenote: Mom asked me today if I thought she knew anything about TF and I; and I definitely do not. The only person that I think knows any thing is Lucas and I don’t know how much knowledge that would be.

Yeah so we’ve been messaging and we started joking about foxes being both of our favorites [I should show her the fox socks her brother bought for me haha!] and last night I decided to see if she’d replied to some earlier stuff. I checked my phone first since it’s easy to tell from there but I don’t have messenger. Before I could even pay much attention to the notification I scrolled a little to see a post from her.
A picture of TF’s son. A very beautiful picture of him captioned with something about how Little TF is so handsome and that he is.

Except of course he reminds me so damn much of TF. He has his eyes. My absolute favorite part of him. =( Not even gonna lie…tears started rolling down my cheeks. I had this overwhelming urge to cuddle him and tell him stories, and I don’t even know the kid! I know it was just because I had such a strong attachment to the idea of Tf, but it was weird to feel that way from a simple picture. [which of course popped up later when I went to check the message on the computer and today when I logged on in the story section. ugh].

It don’t hurt like it used to…

The CK saga probably isn’t over yet. He seems to want to work together this year but I don’t know if he’ll follow through. We’ll find out soon enough. It was nice to catch up for a few minutes either way.

I won’t overthink it or really read into it at all.

I’m learning to leave life as the mystery that it is.

rose.
10:01pm