Emotions on high... in Deeper Bits (Emotional and such)

Sometimes I seriously hate being emotionally enabled. Today has been absolutely crap. Everything is setting my emotions off. Happy scenario or thought, sad scenario or thought, and I can feel my emotions beginning to overwhelm me. I’ve broken down 4 times since I crawled out of bed at 10:00am. The cat and dog both known what’s going on, and haven’t been far from me. I guess the cat has a foresense of it, as he’s usually near by staring at me right before something sets me off.
I cannot handle this crap. I don’t know why it’s getting so damn difficult. I don’t recall it being this bad last year. Then again, that was a year ago. But still, I don’t recall it being this tough. I think some of it is to do with how long I’ve been alone. The only people I’ve really seen are the neighbors and people at work.
Speaking of work, that’s not going well. I got into an argument with my boss. My normally cool, calm, and collected self didn’t hold up, and I basically told off my boss with a calm attitude with non-calm language. Oh, but with clenched fists behind the counter. I wanted to hit him. I seriously wanted to grab the old Swingline stapler off the desk and bash him in the head with it. I was extremely close to saying a line repeated in my mind that ends with “take this job and go play hide and go fuck yourself.”
I do have mental health options now. I’m going to be making an appointment soon to get evaluated and get back on medication. I cannot hold myself together on my own any more. I’ve been 6 years without pills, and it worked well for a while. But, it’s not working anymore. I need help. As much as I hate admitting this to myself, this isn’t a battle I can win alone, and if I keep trying to fight it unassisted, I AM GOING TO LOSE. Period. It’s not a cry of “I want to die”. I don’t. I have too much shit going on. And I couldn’t do that to my pets. The first part of getting myself into a better condition is admitting - mostly to myself - that I’m not doing nearly as well as I’ve allowed myself to think I am. I have to face facts, and I have to get help, or this shit will drown me.
It’s highly unpleasant, but it is what it is.

I’ve got words on my mind for J. It’s those things I want to say but always feel like it’d screw things up. Maybe somethings aren’t best left unsaid, as I’ve though was best for so long.

I’ve been pushing S away. I’ve been keeping her away for months. She IS one of my best friends, and I do love her, but she whines so much about the shit people do to her that she allows, because she’s just too damn nice. I’ve kept her away cause I’ve decided to be selfish and try to better myself. I do care about her and what she goes thru, but there comes a point where one must realise they’re no good to anyone else if they allow themselves to be neglected. I did finally tell her quite clearly that I was hoping to hear her say someone didn’t like her because she wasn’t being a push over. (Stronger wording tho.) She’s not yet replied to that. Guess we’ll see what comes of it.

EDIT: I almost forgot this. NewYear’s 2015, just after midnight, I sacked up and messaged BLJ. (First girlfriend). I laid it all out and left the ball in her court. According to the messenger, she’s read it but not replied. That’s okay. I didn’t expect her to. I just hope she actually read it.

Last updated December 31, 2016