I don't want to keep burning in 2018

I saw him tonight. It’s only been, what, like a week since I swore I wouldn’t send him any more messages. And the good thing is that I have had zero desire tonight to contact him at all. That’s a bonus.

What happened was that I glanced out the window and I saw someone standing in the neighbor’s driveway all randomly. I thought that was weird so I moved over to the dining room window to check. Totally admit I’m the creepy old lady in the window around here. haha. I actually saw the neighbour/his truck and looked to the street in front of our house to see another truck where TF and his son were standing. Ohh great…

I guess the person I thought was a woman in the driveway turned out to be one of the kids who just has longish hair. ha. My bad.

The other thing that happened was that my heart started racing and my body started shaking at the sight of him. My adrenaline kicked into high gear and I couldn’t control it at all. I freaken hate that. I hate that just seeing him out the stupid window can have that kind of affect on me. I’m so lame. And it’s so involuntary. I can’t actually blame myself too much. I clearly have no control over it!

I really hope that reaction goes away at some point. I’m going to try some things [therapy type stuff] to picture those moments and unlearn the reaction. It’s not like it happens with anyone else. It’s obviously a response that my body has learned to being around him specifically. You can always unlearn what you’ve learned if you really want to.

Our friends arrived for dinner at almost the same time but the boys next door [who were moving furniture] had gone inside and didn’t come back out until I was already back in my house. Would have been awkward anyway. I would have said hi to the brother who is so nice and then probably fumbled through eye contact and not being rude with him. Better this way.

Too bad I was sitting in front of the window and could see him interacting with his son at the truck. You know girls like me ache for those things. Dads hanging out with their kids, especially sons! I watched as the little guy pushed a recliner to the edge of the truck bed and then saw TF give him a piggy back ride to get him down. Ugh. My poor bruised up heart..

sidenote: I think he might be seeing someone? I won’t overthink it but just worth a quick mention. He showed up last Friday or Saturday according to mom; I didn’t see him. But she came in from outside and asked if he had a huge beard [he does; it’s kinda out of control right now] and he’s the only one of the brothers that does. I guess they exchanged hi/how are yous but that’s it. She also said she saw him with a woman. Then later that night I’m about 97% sure I saw that same truck leave with a woman driving. Same white ford from today, which I didn’t even realize he had. We had a very specific talk about Chevy only a long time ago. hah. Anyway, doesn’t matter much. Just like with the client, I would never in a million years expect him or anyone else to ever wait for me to figure my sh*t out. And obviously this is the only information I’m going off of.
Would suck though for the simple fact that he was hardcore hitting on me like a month before and it would hurt my damn feelings. Every thing with him has always cut me so deep though..doesn’t make much of a difference. Although yeah I’d totally die inside if I saw him with someone else. hah. =\ I told him that the other day when I was joking that he should get married and have a bunch of kids so I’d leave him alone. Then I said that I was kidding and it would make me cry. Or something to that effect. Dang, maybe he took my words seriously. Eek. Stupid girl…

Anyway, they didn’t stay long. I saw them put some stuff into his truck [and of course my freaken brain is like gasp - jump to conclusions what if he’s moving in with someone!?] and then a couple of the young boys jumped in and they were off.

I didn’t see him even so much as glance at the house while he was out front. There was only one tiny moment after he jumped in the truck where I thought he was looking in the direction of our window. It was getting dark and the lights were on inside here. If he looked just enough, he would have definitely seen me sitting there at the table drinking my beer. [An Irish Death that I found in the garage that only made me want to contact Ck. 1) because of the earthquake and 2) to convey how I miss my beer drinking buddy. Ah well. I snapchatted it and that’s as far as it’ll go…] I’m sure it was my imagination though.

I swear I will move on. I’m thinking like a couple of years now that I know it’s done. There was hope before. That’s what kept me hanging on. Not anymore though. So bare with me, I will get over this. Some day it will all make sense. I’ll come in here and be like, “aha! here’s why it all worked out this way.” Then I’ll pat myself on the back for ending the crazy and getting on with my life.

Not that I don’t still want to disappear. That would still be my magical wonderland.

rose.
10:56pm